The forces of Chaos faced their worthy adversary, the orcs, in the Wraithfire conference championship. With the New Orcleans Taints tipping the scale of team value, the Slaaneshgrad Kompressor evened the odds with the hiring of fan favorite, known cheater and all-around poor role model Max Spleenripper. They also brought in a beer-dispensing cheerleader to boost morale on the sidelines. A lovely day greeted the crowd, which was slightly skewed in favour of the Kompressor (likely due to their ability to cram more people into enclosed spaces). The coin toss was won by the Taints, who elected to kick off first.
The first kick of the game went off course when a strong gust of wind happened by, and the ball sailed out of play, subsequently given to beastman Thanatos. Quickly, the Chaos team fell into formation, creating a strong cage around their ball carrier. Undeterred the orcs put their aggressive defense to work, led by the mighty Grim Jong Kill, who mowed down Babur the Tiger so hard they had to drag him off the pitch, his day over with early. The Kompressor was quick to retaliate, however. the rambunctious Baal made a bone-crushing hit on black orc Gaul Gut, severely damaging the big fellow's hip and rendering him useless for the rest of the tournament. Max Spleenripper followed that up with an overhead chainsaw smash on the professor of pugilistic provocation himself, Coagula Seizure. Fortunately the blow caught Seizure square on the forehead, causing him to miss only the rest of this match.
Fewer and fewer the orc forces dwindled. Next to fall was Goresef Skullin after an intimate encounter with beastman Hades' horns. Still, the green warriors wouldn't give up. Grim Jong Kill moved in and laid a blitz on Thanatos, hard enough to knock the ball free. Coming up behind him, Grimerick Grimmler snatched up the lost ball and threw a great heave of a pass to blitzer Flaydolf Critler, who caught the pass despite everything you may have come to expect from an orc offense. The forces of Chaos barely seemed to notice and continued their wholesale battery. The enraged beastman Ankou effectively pummeled the hapless Kroney, doing what team doctors are calling a "real bad ouch" which will likely haunt him for the rest of his career. Max Spleenripper did catch sight of Critler as he ran down the sideline, but his attack only succeeded in giving himself a brief stunner when he flat-ended himself in the head on the chainsaw's backswing. With nothing else to stop him, Critler opened the scoring for the Taints.
The next kickoff involved a very clever misdirection play by the orcs, shuffling their defense to confuse the Chaos team despite their reduced numbers. Unfortunately, this kick was also badly off target, and the touchback put the ball into the gnarled, determined hands of Loki the beastman. The Kompressor hurled themselves as one downfield, taking full advantage of the depleted orc squad's less-effective coverage. Still, the Taints were hard to shake, particularly the incomparable Grim Jong Kill, who leaped headlong into Loki and showed the beastman what a REAL headbutt to the sternum feels like. Serious skeletal fracturing seemed to be the order of the day, and win or lose, Loki wouldn't be playing until the next season.Still, the numbers game was paying off for the Kompressor,
as an unguarded beastman managed to retrieve the ball and hand it off
to kinsman Hades, who took it to the end zone for the tying score.
There was time enough in the first half for one more attempt at a scoring drive, but after orc thrower Brick Chiney's pass was dropped by Flaydolf Critler, the opportunity vanished, and the teams went into the locker rooms deadlocked at one point apiece.
The Slaaneshgrad Kompressor came out for the second half to the rousing bellows of their coaching staff, but unless the advice given was "hurt more orcs", it likely went unnoticed. Once again, the kick was poorly made, and strangely the touchback saw black orc Maulhammer Goredafy in possession of the ball. Undeterred by having a tougher nut to crack, the Kompressor renewed their cavalcade of mayhem, knocking the big orc down and stunning a pair of others before a massive hit from beastman Azrael fractured the skull of orc lineman Cryatolla da Meanie. The assault wasn't perfect, though, as an unscheduled tumble by Ankou put a temporary stopper on the beatings.
Getting his mitts on the ball once again, Goredafy pressed forward into a sea of raging beastmen, and was joined quickly by his teammates on a rampage of their own. Goredafy punched Ankou hard enough to send him sprawling awkwardly (but conveniently) into his team's infirmary, and Flaydolf Critler steamrolled into Baal to send the unconscious beastman off for a nap. Sure enough, the Kompressor retaliated, with armored menace Subutai finally knocking down Goredafy and pulling the ball free. The orcs were briefly encouraged when it bounced right into the arms of Flaydolf Critler, but Azrael put him on his back and this time, the ball wound up in the unforgiving grasp of Subutai.
Much shoving and generally unfriendly behavior ensued, the only anomaly being a successful handoff from Subutai, who would much rather continue violently spreading the word of Chaos than scoring touchdowns, to the ever-dangerous Hades. The orcs managed a clear run at him from the mad-eyed Maulhammer Goredafy, obviously inconsolable at the loss of the ball, but Goredafy should have paid more attention to his feet. His attack failed, and it was instead he himself who was dragged off by the medical staff. Hades continued to wade through the melee towards the goal line.
Bodies flew this way and that, along with blood, spittle, sweat, rocks, misplaced equipment, and at least one very lost groundhog. At one point, Subutai's merry rampage saw him trip up and land on that groundhog, which by now was in a full rodent blood haze, and it very nearly cost the mighty chaos warrior his life. Only with the skilled labor of three surgeon-cultists and a "volunteer" from the stands, was the hulking brute of a man kept in the land of the living.
The orcs continued to pursue Hades as best they could, but their depleted ranks simply couldn't find a way through the protection of his teammates. As time expired, Hades lurched over the goal line and lay down for the briefest of naps, after which he was immediately swarmed by legions of fans carrying him around, and very graciously not ripping parts off of him a souvenirs. The day was won for Chaos, the score 2-1. The Kompressor would advance to the Dungeonbowl finals match against the Winterplague Embalmers.
Match MVPs were the surprisingly agile Flaydolf Critler for the Taints, and the dramatically athletic Ankou of the Kompressor.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Embalmers Cool Off Hot Human Offense
Another fine day for Blood Bowl brought two offensive dynamos together in the Terrorskull Conference finals. The Araby Falcons, coming off their heroic 4-3 triple overtime victory over the Tri-City Theropod Thrashers, and the undefeated Winterplague Embalmers, who edged the Qamaja Rouglrejirz to continue their playoff drive. The stadium filled up with fans, with slightly more dead in attendance than living, and the coin flip went to the humans, who would receive first.
What happened next is pure chaos. Reports tell us that everything started with an unappreciated comment about how Falcons' star receiver Arthur Jaris Green would be a very good player for the Embalmers to "make an offer to", which generally implies the death of the sought-after player. Tempers flared, drinks were spilled, and soon a brawl broke out in the stands, eventually spilling over onto the field of play. Half a dozen Araby players were driven into the dirt, while the Winterplague side only experienced a couple of such tumbles.
When the dust cleared and the game truly began, the Falcons started with their most reliable play, a perfect throw from Mathius Ice resulting in a perfect catch by Arthur Jaris Green. The Embalmers were ready for the play, however, and mere moments after Green had caught the ball, Wraith Lewis roared up and dragged the catcher to the ground, ripping the ball free as he fell and taking it for himself. A huge log jam of players piled up around the play, and human blitzer Aldai Peterson took down Wraith Lewis to send the ball tumbling free once more. Barda Urlacker, pressed up to the edge of the field by the undead, made a desperate move to get away and wound up falling onto the ball.
Zombie Dreg Bumble did his best to thin out the competition, leveling Arthur Jaris Green and nudging the unconscious catcher out of the way for the powerful John Hellway to get a hold of the ball. Hellway surged up the field, near to where fellow ghoul Tomb Brady had quietly advanced. Hellway lobbed a quick pass at Brady, who caught the ball and scampered in for the game's first touchdown.
Things went from bad to worse for the Falcons when, on the ensuing kickoff, the Embalmers played a six man rush to field the ball themselves! The ball landed and bounced right to speedy ghoul Ben Rottensburger, and suddenly the human team was on the defensive again. They might have stopped the ghoul too, were it not for a massive showdown at midfield ruining everyone's concentration. Falcons' ogre ManRam threw a huge punch at Embalmers' #1 mummy, Rowdy Rotty Pulper, just as Pulper was launching his own fist right at the ogre. Both players crumpled to the turf, unconscious, the ground shaking as they fell. By the time everyone had come to their senses, there was Ben Rottensburger, standing in the end zone. It was two to nothing for the Embalmers and not even the end of the first half yet.
On the next drive, the undead made yet another blitz, but there was no chance to snatch the ball away as the kick soared out of bounds. Mathius Ice began with the ball on the touchback, and with his favorite target Arthur Jaris Green still recovering from having his bell rung, Ice made his pass to Barda Urlacker, hoping the blitzer would be able to cut into the Embalmers' lead. Urlacker was quickly relieved of the ball by the defensive prowess of Wraith Lewis, but Aldai Peterson was on the spot to grab the discarded ball and lunge forward for a surprising score.
When next the ball was kicked into play, looming clouds gave way to a sudden downpour, and the wet ball began to play havoc with both teams' play. Ben Rottensburger picked up the ball with some difficulty, and his handoff to John Hellway was flubbed. Several players from both sides tried to settle the unruly squigskin down, but it wasn't to be. A little more violence punctuated the end of the first half, as Jarin Jarin Watts shoved Wraith Lewis into the stands to the joy of the undead fans he landed amid. Troy Achemoan managed to thump Mathius Ice hard enough to send the thrower off for an ice pack and a few minutes in the quiet room.
The second half began with rain still coming down hard. A high kick from the Falcons' defense gave John Hellway plenty of time to get to the ball, and he fielded it with confidence. Before he even reached midfield, though, attention focused elsewhere. Rowdy Rotty Pulper, ever the advocate for unconventional recruiting techniques, picked up human lineman Chad Meanway and impaled him on his helmet spike, proceeding then to spin the now-dead player around like a horizontal windmill of gore. Enraged at the loss of his comrade, ManRam broke out of coverage and tried to similarly do in John Hellway, but the crafty ghoul neatly dodged the blow.
The Embalmers' mummies were fired up for the second half, as it was now Crush Limblargh's turn to do someone harm. The towering fiend gave Barda Urlacker a big enough smack on the chest to temporarily tenderize his torso, and the blitzer had to be carted off to sit the rest of the match out. Zombie Wince Killspork added to the personnel problem by shoving Arthur Jaris Green out of bounds after he was surrounded by a group of ghouls. With so few left to defend against the oncoming run, John Hellway easily scored to make it a 3-1 game.
A high kick to Marcus Sanchez started the next drive, and Sanchez made the pass to Green with ease. The undead were still playing their game, though, and zombie Max Hunger barely noticed the play, busy as he was punching Jarin Jarin Watts until he was carted away. The ball was again knocked free by the stifling undead defense, and Troy Achemoan recovered it with the intention of passing to Tomb Brady. The ball scattered away from Brady, however, and eventually wound up in the bewildered mitts of Rowdy Rotty Pulper. Having no idea what to do with the ball, Pulper attempted to give it back to Brady, but the rain made short work of such endeavors, and time ran out for the play and for the Falcons. The Winterplague Embalmers were on their way to the championship game!
MVPs of the game were the sure-handed John Hellway of the Embalmers, and the strong-blocking Cassius Matthews of the Falcons. While the undead will advance to play for the title, the Falcons were given the news that their coach would be in charge of the Terrorskull Conference's All-Star team, and that the electrifying offensive duo of Mathius Ice and Arthur Jaris Green would be playing. Finally removed from Rowdy Rotty Pulper's helmet, Chad Meanway was informed that he would be going to the finals...as a Winterplague Embalmer.
What happened next is pure chaos. Reports tell us that everything started with an unappreciated comment about how Falcons' star receiver Arthur Jaris Green would be a very good player for the Embalmers to "make an offer to", which generally implies the death of the sought-after player. Tempers flared, drinks were spilled, and soon a brawl broke out in the stands, eventually spilling over onto the field of play. Half a dozen Araby players were driven into the dirt, while the Winterplague side only experienced a couple of such tumbles.
When the dust cleared and the game truly began, the Falcons started with their most reliable play, a perfect throw from Mathius Ice resulting in a perfect catch by Arthur Jaris Green. The Embalmers were ready for the play, however, and mere moments after Green had caught the ball, Wraith Lewis roared up and dragged the catcher to the ground, ripping the ball free as he fell and taking it for himself. A huge log jam of players piled up around the play, and human blitzer Aldai Peterson took down Wraith Lewis to send the ball tumbling free once more. Barda Urlacker, pressed up to the edge of the field by the undead, made a desperate move to get away and wound up falling onto the ball.
Zombie Dreg Bumble did his best to thin out the competition, leveling Arthur Jaris Green and nudging the unconscious catcher out of the way for the powerful John Hellway to get a hold of the ball. Hellway surged up the field, near to where fellow ghoul Tomb Brady had quietly advanced. Hellway lobbed a quick pass at Brady, who caught the ball and scampered in for the game's first touchdown.
Things went from bad to worse for the Falcons when, on the ensuing kickoff, the Embalmers played a six man rush to field the ball themselves! The ball landed and bounced right to speedy ghoul Ben Rottensburger, and suddenly the human team was on the defensive again. They might have stopped the ghoul too, were it not for a massive showdown at midfield ruining everyone's concentration. Falcons' ogre ManRam threw a huge punch at Embalmers' #1 mummy, Rowdy Rotty Pulper, just as Pulper was launching his own fist right at the ogre. Both players crumpled to the turf, unconscious, the ground shaking as they fell. By the time everyone had come to their senses, there was Ben Rottensburger, standing in the end zone. It was two to nothing for the Embalmers and not even the end of the first half yet.
On the next drive, the undead made yet another blitz, but there was no chance to snatch the ball away as the kick soared out of bounds. Mathius Ice began with the ball on the touchback, and with his favorite target Arthur Jaris Green still recovering from having his bell rung, Ice made his pass to Barda Urlacker, hoping the blitzer would be able to cut into the Embalmers' lead. Urlacker was quickly relieved of the ball by the defensive prowess of Wraith Lewis, but Aldai Peterson was on the spot to grab the discarded ball and lunge forward for a surprising score.
When next the ball was kicked into play, looming clouds gave way to a sudden downpour, and the wet ball began to play havoc with both teams' play. Ben Rottensburger picked up the ball with some difficulty, and his handoff to John Hellway was flubbed. Several players from both sides tried to settle the unruly squigskin down, but it wasn't to be. A little more violence punctuated the end of the first half, as Jarin Jarin Watts shoved Wraith Lewis into the stands to the joy of the undead fans he landed amid. Troy Achemoan managed to thump Mathius Ice hard enough to send the thrower off for an ice pack and a few minutes in the quiet room.
The second half began with rain still coming down hard. A high kick from the Falcons' defense gave John Hellway plenty of time to get to the ball, and he fielded it with confidence. Before he even reached midfield, though, attention focused elsewhere. Rowdy Rotty Pulper, ever the advocate for unconventional recruiting techniques, picked up human lineman Chad Meanway and impaled him on his helmet spike, proceeding then to spin the now-dead player around like a horizontal windmill of gore. Enraged at the loss of his comrade, ManRam broke out of coverage and tried to similarly do in John Hellway, but the crafty ghoul neatly dodged the blow.
The Embalmers' mummies were fired up for the second half, as it was now Crush Limblargh's turn to do someone harm. The towering fiend gave Barda Urlacker a big enough smack on the chest to temporarily tenderize his torso, and the blitzer had to be carted off to sit the rest of the match out. Zombie Wince Killspork added to the personnel problem by shoving Arthur Jaris Green out of bounds after he was surrounded by a group of ghouls. With so few left to defend against the oncoming run, John Hellway easily scored to make it a 3-1 game.
A high kick to Marcus Sanchez started the next drive, and Sanchez made the pass to Green with ease. The undead were still playing their game, though, and zombie Max Hunger barely noticed the play, busy as he was punching Jarin Jarin Watts until he was carted away. The ball was again knocked free by the stifling undead defense, and Troy Achemoan recovered it with the intention of passing to Tomb Brady. The ball scattered away from Brady, however, and eventually wound up in the bewildered mitts of Rowdy Rotty Pulper. Having no idea what to do with the ball, Pulper attempted to give it back to Brady, but the rain made short work of such endeavors, and time ran out for the play and for the Falcons. The Winterplague Embalmers were on their way to the championship game!
MVPs of the game were the sure-handed John Hellway of the Embalmers, and the strong-blocking Cassius Matthews of the Falcons. While the undead will advance to play for the title, the Falcons were given the news that their coach would be in charge of the Terrorskull Conference's All-Star team, and that the electrifying offensive duo of Mathius Ice and Arthur Jaris Green would be playing. Finally removed from Rowdy Rotty Pulper's helmet, Chad Meanway was informed that he would be going to the finals...as a Winterplague Embalmer.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Marathon Match Tests Limits of Both Mammal and Reptile
A gorgeous day for Blood Bowl saw the Araby Falcons and the Tri-City Theropod Thrashers compete for a trip to the Terrorskull Conference championship, and by the end of the day (literally, they would up playing under the lights), a victor was named. The lizardmen had a few more fans on hand than the humans, though we suspect that this was the result of skinks standing on one another's shoulders and masquerading as a rather lean saurus, and paying only one admission fee. The Falcons would win the coin toss and receive first.
The kickoff was punctuated by some very inspired yelling from the Falcons' sideline. Human throwing sensation Mathius Ice gathered up the ball with what have become known as the "most valuable hands in sports" and passed it off to the always-dangerous Arthur Jaris Green, who scorched a line through the Thrashers secondary and down the sideline towards the goal. The skink runners of the Thrashers were quick to react, however, and they bottled up the human catcher quickly. Seeing no way around, Green decided to go through, but things didn't work out as planned. Green botched the hit and tumbled to the earth, and the ball wound up in the stands. Some eager Falcons fan lobbed it to the Thrashers' end zone, but it didn't stay there long, as the smooth-running LL Coolblooded J got a hold of it and went running back up the field.
After J got across midfield, he was set upon by the regrouped humans, and lost the ball after a blitz from the newly acquired Aldai Peterson. Barda Urlacker made a move to recover the discarded ball, but couldn't rein in the unruly rock. Unfortunately for the Thrashers, saurus Jay-Zilla also tried to pick up the ball, despite the agility-based shortcomings of his species. Luckily, right behind him was the much more dextrous skink, Method Slaan, who showed us all how it's done. Jay-Zilla gave his colossal head a shake and got back to looking for humans to stomp, and Method Slaan slinked his way into the end zone to open the scoring for the lizardmen.
Quickly shaking off the previous sequence, the Falcons went right back to work on the next kickoff. Quickly starting the play before the Thrashers could settle in, they put together a picture-perfect play which started with new catcher Legs Jennings handing the ball off to Mathius Ice, and Ice launching it to his favorite target, Arthur Jaris Green. Taken completely off guard, the lizardmen could only watch as Green high-stepped into the end zone before time expired, to tie the game.
When play resumed, the lizardmen were right back to work, getting some sound coaching advice from their own sideline. Skink 2 Scalez got his claws on the ball and handed off deftly to Method Slaan. The saurus corps were much more checked-in this time around, led by the hulking Ghostface Gila who sent human lineman Zane Mangold down for an involuntary nap. The way was made clear for Method Slaan, and before you could say "leaping lizards", the wily little fellow was in the end zone and the Thrashers had regained the lead.
On the ensuing kickoff, human #2 thrower Marcus Sanchez proved exactly why is is #2, failing first to catch the high, lazy kick sent his way, then botching a routine pickup immediately afterwards. Eventually he did manage to settle down and collect the ball, and fired a pass to Mathius Ice without further incident. Ghostface Gila was immediately on the scene once more, tracking right into Ice with a great deal of momentum and sending the ball squirting free. Not phased in the slightest, Mathius Ice calmly hustled back to the ball and launched it to - you guessed it - Arthur Jaris Green.
The small, speedy skinks wasted no time in getting into Green's face once more, and LL Coolblooded J made the hit that knocked the ball free once more. Right behind Green, however, was Barda Urlacker with a head full of steam, knocking lizards aside like scaly bowling pins and picking the ball up one-handed in passing, leaping into the end zone to tie the game and save the humans' post-season dreams.
With scant time remaining, the humans kicked the ball away to the lizardmen, but used their impressive mobility to adapt their defensive formation perfectly to the Thrashers' plans. Mucklemore managed to get the ball and hand it forward to 2 Scalez, but any hope of winning in regulation was dashed when the way through the line was blocked off by the humans. To make matters worse for the lizardmen, #1 saurus Notorious L.I.Z. was felled with a huge block by Jarin Jarin Watts, a wound that would require at least a couple of weeks to recover from. Time expired, and fans clamored and cheered for overtime.
Jarin Jarin Watts got hold of the ball and was making great progress until the enraged and seemingly ubiquitous Ghostface Gila laid him out with a crushing overhand chop. Watts went to the quiet room, while LL Coolblooded J went to the ball. Within moments, the skilled skink went right to the end zone, and the Thrashers took the lead for the third time in the game.
Another high kick by the Thrashers saw Legs Jennings field the ball cleanly, and the rookie handed it off expertly to Arthur Jaris Green, who charged down the field, flanked by a trio of human blitzers. Once again, a swarm of skinks surged towards the catcher, and once again the heap of reckless reptiles ripped the ball from Green's arms. Righting himself, Green scrambled to recover the lost ball, but couldn't get through the mess of skinks. The skinks, though, couldn't make any more sense of it themselves, and missed a chance of their own to claim the precious ovoid. With one last lunge, knowing that the season was on the line, Arthur Jaris Green rolled through the oppressive coverage, scooped up the ball, and dove for the corner post to tie the game again!
Exhaustion hung in the air like a Nurgle team's body odor. Still, both sides lined up to set the ball in play again. This time, receiving the ball was Chameleonaire, handing the ball off to Method Slaan to get the offense moving. The lizardman line did their part, starting with Snoop Trog knocking out Barda Urlacker to create a gap. Method Slaan then charged forward, intending to plow his way through Arthur Jaris Green, but Green stood tall and the skink simply bounced off of him, the ball squirting free. Mathius Ice was on the scene to pick it up, but fatigue had taken its toll on the skilled thrower, and he could do little more than bat it away.
Snoop Trog continued clearing the field by shoving Eddar Reed into the stands, where he was miraculously unharmed. Aldai Peterson threw a shot at Method Slaan, and though it connected, the skink hung off the human's arm on the follow-through and fell right onto the ball. The ball, in turn, bounced out of play, and someone - perhaps the displaced Urlacker? - lobbed it down deep into Thrashers territory. Desperate to reclaim it, Mathius Ice scrambled towards the ball, but only succeeded in falling down some more. With a final effort, Ice crawled through a swarm of skinks, flailed his arm at the ball and sent it bounding towards Legs Jennings before collapsing, stunned, on the field.
The moon was rising as triple overtime was marked on the scoreboard. 2 Scalez chugged forward and dropped Legs Jennings, leaving the ball free once more. Kanye Crest made an attempt at picking it up, but no such luck was to be had. No, only the strangest of plays would work under the moonlight. Cassius Matthews of the Falcons ran up to grab the ball and tackle Kanye Crest, but the hit failed to connect, and Matthews wound up kicking the ball right to the skink! In a panic, Crest ran down the field, only to be dropped by a hit from Marcus Sanchez. The ball flew free, and landed right in Sanchez's outstretched hand.
With time expiring and the game in his hands, Sanchez threw a perfect spiral pass to who else by Arthur Jaris Green. Green bolted away from coverage, and as time finally ran out, he crossed the goal line. The day was won for the Araby Falcons, in what was easily the most exciting game in the young history of the LCBBL. The Falcons will advance to play the Winterplague Embalmers in the conference final. See you there!
The kickoff was punctuated by some very inspired yelling from the Falcons' sideline. Human throwing sensation Mathius Ice gathered up the ball with what have become known as the "most valuable hands in sports" and passed it off to the always-dangerous Arthur Jaris Green, who scorched a line through the Thrashers secondary and down the sideline towards the goal. The skink runners of the Thrashers were quick to react, however, and they bottled up the human catcher quickly. Seeing no way around, Green decided to go through, but things didn't work out as planned. Green botched the hit and tumbled to the earth, and the ball wound up in the stands. Some eager Falcons fan lobbed it to the Thrashers' end zone, but it didn't stay there long, as the smooth-running LL Coolblooded J got a hold of it and went running back up the field.
After J got across midfield, he was set upon by the regrouped humans, and lost the ball after a blitz from the newly acquired Aldai Peterson. Barda Urlacker made a move to recover the discarded ball, but couldn't rein in the unruly rock. Unfortunately for the Thrashers, saurus Jay-Zilla also tried to pick up the ball, despite the agility-based shortcomings of his species. Luckily, right behind him was the much more dextrous skink, Method Slaan, who showed us all how it's done. Jay-Zilla gave his colossal head a shake and got back to looking for humans to stomp, and Method Slaan slinked his way into the end zone to open the scoring for the lizardmen.
Quickly shaking off the previous sequence, the Falcons went right back to work on the next kickoff. Quickly starting the play before the Thrashers could settle in, they put together a picture-perfect play which started with new catcher Legs Jennings handing the ball off to Mathius Ice, and Ice launching it to his favorite target, Arthur Jaris Green. Taken completely off guard, the lizardmen could only watch as Green high-stepped into the end zone before time expired, to tie the game.
When play resumed, the lizardmen were right back to work, getting some sound coaching advice from their own sideline. Skink 2 Scalez got his claws on the ball and handed off deftly to Method Slaan. The saurus corps were much more checked-in this time around, led by the hulking Ghostface Gila who sent human lineman Zane Mangold down for an involuntary nap. The way was made clear for Method Slaan, and before you could say "leaping lizards", the wily little fellow was in the end zone and the Thrashers had regained the lead.
On the ensuing kickoff, human #2 thrower Marcus Sanchez proved exactly why is is #2, failing first to catch the high, lazy kick sent his way, then botching a routine pickup immediately afterwards. Eventually he did manage to settle down and collect the ball, and fired a pass to Mathius Ice without further incident. Ghostface Gila was immediately on the scene once more, tracking right into Ice with a great deal of momentum and sending the ball squirting free. Not phased in the slightest, Mathius Ice calmly hustled back to the ball and launched it to - you guessed it - Arthur Jaris Green.
The small, speedy skinks wasted no time in getting into Green's face once more, and LL Coolblooded J made the hit that knocked the ball free once more. Right behind Green, however, was Barda Urlacker with a head full of steam, knocking lizards aside like scaly bowling pins and picking the ball up one-handed in passing, leaping into the end zone to tie the game and save the humans' post-season dreams.
With scant time remaining, the humans kicked the ball away to the lizardmen, but used their impressive mobility to adapt their defensive formation perfectly to the Thrashers' plans. Mucklemore managed to get the ball and hand it forward to 2 Scalez, but any hope of winning in regulation was dashed when the way through the line was blocked off by the humans. To make matters worse for the lizardmen, #1 saurus Notorious L.I.Z. was felled with a huge block by Jarin Jarin Watts, a wound that would require at least a couple of weeks to recover from. Time expired, and fans clamored and cheered for overtime.
Jarin Jarin Watts got hold of the ball and was making great progress until the enraged and seemingly ubiquitous Ghostface Gila laid him out with a crushing overhand chop. Watts went to the quiet room, while LL Coolblooded J went to the ball. Within moments, the skilled skink went right to the end zone, and the Thrashers took the lead for the third time in the game.
Another high kick by the Thrashers saw Legs Jennings field the ball cleanly, and the rookie handed it off expertly to Arthur Jaris Green, who charged down the field, flanked by a trio of human blitzers. Once again, a swarm of skinks surged towards the catcher, and once again the heap of reckless reptiles ripped the ball from Green's arms. Righting himself, Green scrambled to recover the lost ball, but couldn't get through the mess of skinks. The skinks, though, couldn't make any more sense of it themselves, and missed a chance of their own to claim the precious ovoid. With one last lunge, knowing that the season was on the line, Arthur Jaris Green rolled through the oppressive coverage, scooped up the ball, and dove for the corner post to tie the game again!
Exhaustion hung in the air like a Nurgle team's body odor. Still, both sides lined up to set the ball in play again. This time, receiving the ball was Chameleonaire, handing the ball off to Method Slaan to get the offense moving. The lizardman line did their part, starting with Snoop Trog knocking out Barda Urlacker to create a gap. Method Slaan then charged forward, intending to plow his way through Arthur Jaris Green, but Green stood tall and the skink simply bounced off of him, the ball squirting free. Mathius Ice was on the scene to pick it up, but fatigue had taken its toll on the skilled thrower, and he could do little more than bat it away.
Snoop Trog continued clearing the field by shoving Eddar Reed into the stands, where he was miraculously unharmed. Aldai Peterson threw a shot at Method Slaan, and though it connected, the skink hung off the human's arm on the follow-through and fell right onto the ball. The ball, in turn, bounced out of play, and someone - perhaps the displaced Urlacker? - lobbed it down deep into Thrashers territory. Desperate to reclaim it, Mathius Ice scrambled towards the ball, but only succeeded in falling down some more. With a final effort, Ice crawled through a swarm of skinks, flailed his arm at the ball and sent it bounding towards Legs Jennings before collapsing, stunned, on the field.
The moon was rising as triple overtime was marked on the scoreboard. 2 Scalez chugged forward and dropped Legs Jennings, leaving the ball free once more. Kanye Crest made an attempt at picking it up, but no such luck was to be had. No, only the strangest of plays would work under the moonlight. Cassius Matthews of the Falcons ran up to grab the ball and tackle Kanye Crest, but the hit failed to connect, and Matthews wound up kicking the ball right to the skink! In a panic, Crest ran down the field, only to be dropped by a hit from Marcus Sanchez. The ball flew free, and landed right in Sanchez's outstretched hand.
With time expiring and the game in his hands, Sanchez threw a perfect spiral pass to who else by Arthur Jaris Green. Green bolted away from coverage, and as time finally ran out, he crossed the goal line. The day was won for the Araby Falcons, in what was easily the most exciting game in the young history of the LCBBL. The Falcons will advance to play the Winterplague Embalmers in the conference final. See you there!
Monday, March 10, 2014
Embalmers Survive Early Scare to Top Rouglrejirz
The undefeated Winterplague Embalmers put their streak on the line in a quarterfinal match against the Qamaja Rouglrejirz this past Tuesday, each team looking to advance to the conference championships and be that much closer to the LCBBL Dungeonbowl trophy.
Despite having a smaller fanbase present for this match, the Orc supporters managed to out-scream their undead counterparts on the opening kickoff, bolstering their team's resolve as they took on the league's winningest squad. The Embalmers must have plugged their ears, or simply removed them for the time being, because they started the match off with the same methodical intensity that they've become known for, led by mummy Crush Limblargh's knockout blow against line orc Tarod. The Rouglrejirz had a heavy hitter of their own, this game, though he was enjoying the match from the stands until called forth. No sooner than electrifying ghoul runner John Hellway had scooped up the ball and surged up to the line of scrimmage, he was on his back in a smoking heap courtesy of the Rouglrejirz's hired wizard. An audible "gulp" echoed from the Embalmers' fans as their star player was carted off the field, not to return for the entire match.
The hits kept coming after Tomb Brady of the Embalmers picked up where his crispy comrade left off. Black orc Jreghug rang zombie Dreg Bumble's bell, and blitzer Lamgugh did the same to Max Hunger. The undead weren't taking the beatings laying down, though, and gave as good as they got. Speedy wight Dante Sinferno shoved orc blitzer Oughan clear off the field, and Crush Limblargh continued his agenda of mandatory naptimes for the orcs, this time putting Magub's lights out for a little while. With less players on the field, the speedy undead found a clear path to advance, and soon Tomb Brady was leaping across the line for the game's first touchdown.
The following kickoff was an inhuman boot from the hulking Rowdy Rotty Pulper which flew clear out of the stadium, and a new ball was fetched and given to orc thrower Abbas to begin the drive. Abbas quickly launched a pass to Sakgu, but no sooner had the ball entered his hands than it was knocked free once more by a cannonball blitz courtesy of Troy Achemoan. Achemoan's momentum nearly carried him into the crowd along with his next target, the luckless Lamgugh, but his quick reflexes allowed him to redirect himself towards the discarded ball and charge forward into the end zone to make it 2-0 for the undead. Abbas managed one more pass for the orcs before halftime.
The second half started badly for the Rouglrejirz, but they weathered the blitz from their undead opponents, and Abbas managed a huge pass down to blitzer Magub to get the ball out of danger. The Embalmers' zombies seemed intent on earning their pay for a change, and the mundanely energetic Dreg Bumble managed to pry it free from Magub after shoving the orc down with the clinical effort one expects of the walking dead. The hefty Blak Sashower responded by hitting Dante Sinferno hard enough to temporarily scramble the wight's necromantic energies and sent him cartwheeling off the field to sleep off the hit. Sakgu the blitzer added his own personal touch to the affair by knocking Dreg Bumble out with a forearm shiver. The surprisingly agile Blak Sashower got his meaty mitts on the ball, and lobbed what we assume must have been a pass to line orc Unrugagh.
The undead bashed their way towards the ball carrier as best they could, knocking out Digdug and Tarod, and eventually stunning Unrugagh. Heroically, the oafish Jreghug arrived on the scene to easily toss Wraith Lewis into the bleachers, and buy enough time for Unrugagh to right himself, pick up the ball, and walk it in for a touchdown. Not much time remained, but the orcs weren't out of it yet.
The next drive for the Embalmers started off well, with Tomb Brady tossing a short pass to Ben Rottensburger to get the offense going. The excitement was short-lived as Rottensburger tripped over a discarded jock strap on his way downfield, and the orcs surged forward to capitalize on the mistake. Unfortunately for them, no one could seem to get a sure grip on the ball. The Rouglrejirz did, at least, take the opportunity to viciously assault Crush Limblargh, knocking the mummy out despite Digdug getting caught and ejected in the process. Time finally wound down on this match, and the Winterplague Embalmers lurched away with a 2-1 victory and their perfect record intact.
Match MVP awards went to Rowdy Rotty Pulper of the Embalmers for his devoted defense of his teammates, And to the orc Nugai, who seems to have just shown up and got added to the roster because, as the orc coach put it, "We liked 'is shade uh green". The Embalmers go on to face the winner of the upcoming Tri-City Theropod Thrashers / Araby Falcons match.
Despite having a smaller fanbase present for this match, the Orc supporters managed to out-scream their undead counterparts on the opening kickoff, bolstering their team's resolve as they took on the league's winningest squad. The Embalmers must have plugged their ears, or simply removed them for the time being, because they started the match off with the same methodical intensity that they've become known for, led by mummy Crush Limblargh's knockout blow against line orc Tarod. The Rouglrejirz had a heavy hitter of their own, this game, though he was enjoying the match from the stands until called forth. No sooner than electrifying ghoul runner John Hellway had scooped up the ball and surged up to the line of scrimmage, he was on his back in a smoking heap courtesy of the Rouglrejirz's hired wizard. An audible "gulp" echoed from the Embalmers' fans as their star player was carted off the field, not to return for the entire match.
The hits kept coming after Tomb Brady of the Embalmers picked up where his crispy comrade left off. Black orc Jreghug rang zombie Dreg Bumble's bell, and blitzer Lamgugh did the same to Max Hunger. The undead weren't taking the beatings laying down, though, and gave as good as they got. Speedy wight Dante Sinferno shoved orc blitzer Oughan clear off the field, and Crush Limblargh continued his agenda of mandatory naptimes for the orcs, this time putting Magub's lights out for a little while. With less players on the field, the speedy undead found a clear path to advance, and soon Tomb Brady was leaping across the line for the game's first touchdown.
The following kickoff was an inhuman boot from the hulking Rowdy Rotty Pulper which flew clear out of the stadium, and a new ball was fetched and given to orc thrower Abbas to begin the drive. Abbas quickly launched a pass to Sakgu, but no sooner had the ball entered his hands than it was knocked free once more by a cannonball blitz courtesy of Troy Achemoan. Achemoan's momentum nearly carried him into the crowd along with his next target, the luckless Lamgugh, but his quick reflexes allowed him to redirect himself towards the discarded ball and charge forward into the end zone to make it 2-0 for the undead. Abbas managed one more pass for the orcs before halftime.
The second half started badly for the Rouglrejirz, but they weathered the blitz from their undead opponents, and Abbas managed a huge pass down to blitzer Magub to get the ball out of danger. The Embalmers' zombies seemed intent on earning their pay for a change, and the mundanely energetic Dreg Bumble managed to pry it free from Magub after shoving the orc down with the clinical effort one expects of the walking dead. The hefty Blak Sashower responded by hitting Dante Sinferno hard enough to temporarily scramble the wight's necromantic energies and sent him cartwheeling off the field to sleep off the hit. Sakgu the blitzer added his own personal touch to the affair by knocking Dreg Bumble out with a forearm shiver. The surprisingly agile Blak Sashower got his meaty mitts on the ball, and lobbed what we assume must have been a pass to line orc Unrugagh.
The undead bashed their way towards the ball carrier as best they could, knocking out Digdug and Tarod, and eventually stunning Unrugagh. Heroically, the oafish Jreghug arrived on the scene to easily toss Wraith Lewis into the bleachers, and buy enough time for Unrugagh to right himself, pick up the ball, and walk it in for a touchdown. Not much time remained, but the orcs weren't out of it yet.
The next drive for the Embalmers started off well, with Tomb Brady tossing a short pass to Ben Rottensburger to get the offense going. The excitement was short-lived as Rottensburger tripped over a discarded jock strap on his way downfield, and the orcs surged forward to capitalize on the mistake. Unfortunately for them, no one could seem to get a sure grip on the ball. The Rouglrejirz did, at least, take the opportunity to viciously assault Crush Limblargh, knocking the mummy out despite Digdug getting caught and ejected in the process. Time finally wound down on this match, and the Winterplague Embalmers lurched away with a 2-1 victory and their perfect record intact.
Match MVP awards went to Rowdy Rotty Pulper of the Embalmers for his devoted defense of his teammates, And to the orc Nugai, who seems to have just shown up and got added to the roster because, as the orc coach put it, "We liked 'is shade uh green". The Embalmers go on to face the winner of the upcoming Tri-City Theropod Thrashers / Araby Falcons match.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Kompressor Paves Road to Conference Final With Skaven Corpses
The LCBBL playoff picture became clearer this week as the Slaaneshgrad Kompressor took on the Warprat Warriors in a match that got messy early and stayed that way all day. The Warriors had a mountain of inducement cash provided to them, and as one might expect of a team that does most of its thinking with its noses, they hired the great Halfling chef Gordon Hamsey to whip everyone's taste buds into a frenzy. The Skaven also added an enthusiastic cheerleader to dispense drinks while sporting a very fetching designer clothespin on her nose. The Warriors also got the benefit of winning the kickoff, and readied to receive first.
To start the game off, the Skaven offense got to work with its usual go-to plan of playing "catch me if you can" with a much slower defense. Thrower Skitter lobbed a pass to gutter runner Shadran and the latter made a speedy charge up the sideline. Unfortunately for him, Hades, beastman for the Kompressor, took that opportunity to ram the smaller player and send him flying end over end into the crowd. Luckily, Shadran landed softly in a rat ogre's jumbo-sized beer and he was eventually dried out and sent back to the dugout. The ball, meanwhile, was hurled into the Kompressor's end zone, presumably by a Warriors fan. The rest of the Chaos squad must have really enjoyed watching Shadran careen into the fans, because this became their preferred strategy throughout the match. The brutish Attila picked up linerat Wetpawz by the scruff of his neck and nailed a perfect fading jumpshot into the same giant cup of beer, which of course frustrated the rat ogre who kept having to pay ten gold coins for the drinks.
Eventually, the chaos players remembered that there was a ball on the field, and beastman Thanatos went back to retrieve it. The Warriors, for their part, saw that they were going to have to be physical to contend with the Kompressor. The dreadful force of their rat ogre, Ratz, was just what they needed, as the massive hunk of teeth and claws crashed into the hapless Ankou. The impact sent Ankou flying into the air, and the beastman came down hard on his head, which had landed three or four seconds before the rest of his body. Dragged away on a stretcher (and in a bucket), Ankou reappeared miraculously a few minutes later, accompanied by a terrible smell and covered in blood which couldn't possibly be his alone.
The Kompressor continued to play the beatdown strategy while they marched steadily downfield. Beastman Azrael smashed star gutter runner Krahzi Greycloak into the stands, ruining yet another giant cup of booze. The rat ogre was livid, and in his unthinking rage, hurled Greycloak over the field into the other end of the stands, where he was soundly battered by the Chaos fans. Worse still for the Skaven was the hit laid on their thrower, Skitter, by the armour-bound Attila. A massive overhand smash from the hulking Chaos warrior collapsed the Skaven's spinal column and drilled his head into his chest cavity. The bewildered rodent staggered around for a few moments longer, then simply collapsed into a motionless heap.
The parade of airborne rodents didn't stop as the terrifying Mr. Noodles hurled linerat Nibbles skyward, where he bounced off the lid of the rat ogre's beer cup. It only took three ruined drinks for him to wise up about that. The remaining rats hadn't forgotten about the ball, though, and Gyr the gutter runner managed get it away from Thanatos and pitch it to linerat Mouse. This offensive burst was short-lived as Hades got it right back for Chaos, and lobbed it in the general direction of Thanatos, and despite missing the catch, he managed to pick it up and carry it in for the last-minute score.
The kickoff for the second half was sent too deep by the Skaven, drifting out of bounds and slamming into the face of a wandering snack vendor. The impact disrupted his intended task of chucking a cantaloupe to a hungry fan, and the tasty projectile instead soared onto the field and stunned Hades in an explosion of deliciousness. The ball, meanwhile, was given to Mr. Noodles, and his trek down the field began.
Hit after crushing hit was visited upon the hapless Skaven as the half wore on. Knottail was thrown out by Ankou, but was happily alright. Less fortunate was Runt, who was soundly beaten by Subutai and was forced to leave the match. Knocked out were Wetpawz and Runt, dragged off to nap the evening away. Yet, the team played on, led by the powerful presence of Ratz, who wouldn't go quietly. His heavy blitz knocked the ball free from a stunned Mr. Noodles, but it was soon recovered by Nergal. The rats continued to battle on, but the number game caught up to them. In a final, messy act of violence, Subutai's murderous enthusiasm snuffed the life from gutter runner Shadran, crushing the smaller player in a spiky embrace of doom and juicing the lifeless rodent like a fuzzy orange. Nergal trotted leisurely into the end zone, and the score was 2-0. Rather than drag their remaining players out onto the field again, the Skaven offered the white flag of surrender to the Kompressor, who accepted, knowing that the Gods of Chaos were appeased by their brutal play.
Match MVPs were the Kompressor's Babur the Tiger, and the Warriors' Palefur. The Slaaneshgrad Kompressor move on to face the New Orcleans Taints, to settle a scoreless score from earlier in the season. One of these titans will advance to the Dungeonbowl final, and it could be anyone's game.
To start the game off, the Skaven offense got to work with its usual go-to plan of playing "catch me if you can" with a much slower defense. Thrower Skitter lobbed a pass to gutter runner Shadran and the latter made a speedy charge up the sideline. Unfortunately for him, Hades, beastman for the Kompressor, took that opportunity to ram the smaller player and send him flying end over end into the crowd. Luckily, Shadran landed softly in a rat ogre's jumbo-sized beer and he was eventually dried out and sent back to the dugout. The ball, meanwhile, was hurled into the Kompressor's end zone, presumably by a Warriors fan. The rest of the Chaos squad must have really enjoyed watching Shadran careen into the fans, because this became their preferred strategy throughout the match. The brutish Attila picked up linerat Wetpawz by the scruff of his neck and nailed a perfect fading jumpshot into the same giant cup of beer, which of course frustrated the rat ogre who kept having to pay ten gold coins for the drinks.
Eventually, the chaos players remembered that there was a ball on the field, and beastman Thanatos went back to retrieve it. The Warriors, for their part, saw that they were going to have to be physical to contend with the Kompressor. The dreadful force of their rat ogre, Ratz, was just what they needed, as the massive hunk of teeth and claws crashed into the hapless Ankou. The impact sent Ankou flying into the air, and the beastman came down hard on his head, which had landed three or four seconds before the rest of his body. Dragged away on a stretcher (and in a bucket), Ankou reappeared miraculously a few minutes later, accompanied by a terrible smell and covered in blood which couldn't possibly be his alone.
The Kompressor continued to play the beatdown strategy while they marched steadily downfield. Beastman Azrael smashed star gutter runner Krahzi Greycloak into the stands, ruining yet another giant cup of booze. The rat ogre was livid, and in his unthinking rage, hurled Greycloak over the field into the other end of the stands, where he was soundly battered by the Chaos fans. Worse still for the Skaven was the hit laid on their thrower, Skitter, by the armour-bound Attila. A massive overhand smash from the hulking Chaos warrior collapsed the Skaven's spinal column and drilled his head into his chest cavity. The bewildered rodent staggered around for a few moments longer, then simply collapsed into a motionless heap.
The parade of airborne rodents didn't stop as the terrifying Mr. Noodles hurled linerat Nibbles skyward, where he bounced off the lid of the rat ogre's beer cup. It only took three ruined drinks for him to wise up about that. The remaining rats hadn't forgotten about the ball, though, and Gyr the gutter runner managed get it away from Thanatos and pitch it to linerat Mouse. This offensive burst was short-lived as Hades got it right back for Chaos, and lobbed it in the general direction of Thanatos, and despite missing the catch, he managed to pick it up and carry it in for the last-minute score.
The kickoff for the second half was sent too deep by the Skaven, drifting out of bounds and slamming into the face of a wandering snack vendor. The impact disrupted his intended task of chucking a cantaloupe to a hungry fan, and the tasty projectile instead soared onto the field and stunned Hades in an explosion of deliciousness. The ball, meanwhile, was given to Mr. Noodles, and his trek down the field began.
Hit after crushing hit was visited upon the hapless Skaven as the half wore on. Knottail was thrown out by Ankou, but was happily alright. Less fortunate was Runt, who was soundly beaten by Subutai and was forced to leave the match. Knocked out were Wetpawz and Runt, dragged off to nap the evening away. Yet, the team played on, led by the powerful presence of Ratz, who wouldn't go quietly. His heavy blitz knocked the ball free from a stunned Mr. Noodles, but it was soon recovered by Nergal. The rats continued to battle on, but the number game caught up to them. In a final, messy act of violence, Subutai's murderous enthusiasm snuffed the life from gutter runner Shadran, crushing the smaller player in a spiky embrace of doom and juicing the lifeless rodent like a fuzzy orange. Nergal trotted leisurely into the end zone, and the score was 2-0. Rather than drag their remaining players out onto the field again, the Skaven offered the white flag of surrender to the Kompressor, who accepted, knowing that the Gods of Chaos were appeased by their brutal play.
Match MVPs were the Kompressor's Babur the Tiger, and the Warriors' Palefur. The Slaaneshgrad Kompressor move on to face the New Orcleans Taints, to settle a scoreless score from earlier in the season. One of these titans will advance to the Dungeonbowl final, and it could be anyone's game.
Taints Avenge Regular Season Loss With Strong Playoff Performance
The New Orcleans Taints put together a strong regular season record for this year's Dungeonbowl tournament, piling up four wins and a single tie, but their final game of the season saw them taking on a reborn Wood Elf squad in the former Holly-Wood All-Spars, now re-branded as the Elfchester Thyme Lords. In a last-second rush, the elves sliced through the orc defense, and scored the winning touchdown, leaving a fouler-than-usual taste in the Taints' mouths. These two teams met again in the first round of the playoffs, each looking to control the pace of the game, either with strength or with skill.
Due to the massive salary gap between the two squads, the Thyme Lords were provided with enough inducement money to bolster their medical staff, and to hire on the services of Eldril Sidewinder, which resulted in several stadium signs prohibiting flash photography in the stadium to be stolen, vandalized, or simply disregarded. Word that the master of such "looks" as Blue Mithril and Dragonum was playing greatly bolstered elf attendance on this beautiful day.
Those elves were not disappointed, for on the opening kickoff, Sidewinder went right to work, dazzling the beefy blitzer Flaydolf Critler with a provocative pout. Thrower Brad Wolfe retrieved the ball and deftly tossed it to new catcher Clay Nine, who made his way up to the relative safety of the elf line. Hulking treeman Captain Jack Barkness (Captain of what, exactly, remains a mystery) soured the flawless formation by unceremoniously falling over, leaving a fair-sized gap in the elves' plans. The Taints composed themselves and readied their defense for the inevitable fast breakout.
The breakout did come, as Clay Nine burst out from behind his fellows and made a bee line for the end zone. Eldril Sidewinder made his sparkling presence known again, this time giving orc thrower Brick Chiney some strange feelings to reconcile. The Taints collectively steeled themselves, and were led by the massive Akilla da Hunk as he literally ran over an unnamed elf journeyman who by all accounts was only playing to get a sot at Eldril Sidewinder's autograph. Hopefully he got that autograph on his cast while in traction for the next few days. The illustrious Grim Jong Kill sent himself hurtling towards the ball carrier, and bashed the ball loose from Clay Nine's hands while bashing the light of awareness from the catcher's eyes, knocking him out cold. Flaydolf Critler, recovered from his earlier loss of composure, got his hands on the ball.
Sidewinder's next attempt to dazzle an opponent was less than ideal, and the star player tripped, fell, and took a prolonged nap in a pile of his own glitter. Bad went to worse for the elves when their other journeyman player was also trod under by Akilla da Hunk, this one suffering what looked to be a dislocated lung. Depleted but not defeated, the Thyme Lords regrouped, with Wei Ping Angel crashing into Flaydolf Critler and sending the ball flying loose. Meanwhile, the orcs took advantage of Captain Jack Barkness' inability to stand up for any length of time, and a quartet of black orcs set about keeping the big fellow on his trunk. Gorechief Mangleya of the Taints' blitzer corps picked up the ball and continued the road to the end zone. Once again, though, Wei Ping Angel took it upon himself to prevent the orcs from scoring, and once more batted the ball free from the frustrated Taints. The very talented wardancer Dock Tore took the chance to make a leap at the discarded ball, but landed awkwardly and was slow to get up.
Sick and tired of Wei Ping Angel's tactics, Flaydolf Critler put an end to the line elf's pestering with a huge hammerblow to the back of the skull, an injury which would require five doctors nearly a hundred staples to correct, and a dozen hairstylists to cover up for the offseason. Gorechief Mangleya recovered the ball once again, and without too much difficulty, the Taints put the ball down in the end zone for the game's first point.
Little time remained in the first half for the Thyme Lords to do anything but run a passing drill, with Cy Lance managing a pass to Clay Nine in the dying seconds.
With the start of the second half, the orcs resumed their game of "tip the treeman" and Barkness spent most of the rest of the day on the ground. The Taints offense stalled early, though, when Brick Chiney's pass to Grimerick Grimmler missed its mark. Chiney recovered the ball soon thereafter, and this time made a pass to team leader Grim Jong Kill for another blitzer-led offensive push. The elves tried to push at the orcish protection here and there, but their depleted numbers made it a difficult prospect at best. Down to the line, Grim Jong Kill delayed his score while the rest of his team had its way with the Thyme Lords' defense. A brief flash of excitement went up when Barkness at last managed to get off the ground, but the hope died when Brick Chiney, locked in a blood haze after dodging the massive trunk legs of the Thyme Lords' treeman, ran up and kicked Eldril Sidewinder square in the crotch. The stadium was briefly awash with the sounds of fainting elves hitting the floor of the bleachers, followed by the uproarious cheers of the Taints' own fans, now in an overwhelming majority (in terms of being awake and alert).
At last, Grim Jong Kill walked the ball into the end zone, and the ensuing kickoff was once more merely a ceremonial affair. A half-hearted toss from Sontearian to Clay Nine closed the game out, And the orc fans erupted with violent joy after winning the first playoff game in LCBBL history. The Taints will advance to play the winner of the upcoming game between the Slaaneshgrad Kompressor and the Warprat Warriors.
MVPs of this match were Flaydolf Critler of the New Orcleans Taints, and Dock Tore of the Elfchester Thyme Lords.
Due to the massive salary gap between the two squads, the Thyme Lords were provided with enough inducement money to bolster their medical staff, and to hire on the services of Eldril Sidewinder, which resulted in several stadium signs prohibiting flash photography in the stadium to be stolen, vandalized, or simply disregarded. Word that the master of such "looks" as Blue Mithril and Dragonum was playing greatly bolstered elf attendance on this beautiful day.
Those elves were not disappointed, for on the opening kickoff, Sidewinder went right to work, dazzling the beefy blitzer Flaydolf Critler with a provocative pout. Thrower Brad Wolfe retrieved the ball and deftly tossed it to new catcher Clay Nine, who made his way up to the relative safety of the elf line. Hulking treeman Captain Jack Barkness (Captain of what, exactly, remains a mystery) soured the flawless formation by unceremoniously falling over, leaving a fair-sized gap in the elves' plans. The Taints composed themselves and readied their defense for the inevitable fast breakout.
The breakout did come, as Clay Nine burst out from behind his fellows and made a bee line for the end zone. Eldril Sidewinder made his sparkling presence known again, this time giving orc thrower Brick Chiney some strange feelings to reconcile. The Taints collectively steeled themselves, and were led by the massive Akilla da Hunk as he literally ran over an unnamed elf journeyman who by all accounts was only playing to get a sot at Eldril Sidewinder's autograph. Hopefully he got that autograph on his cast while in traction for the next few days. The illustrious Grim Jong Kill sent himself hurtling towards the ball carrier, and bashed the ball loose from Clay Nine's hands while bashing the light of awareness from the catcher's eyes, knocking him out cold. Flaydolf Critler, recovered from his earlier loss of composure, got his hands on the ball.
Sidewinder's next attempt to dazzle an opponent was less than ideal, and the star player tripped, fell, and took a prolonged nap in a pile of his own glitter. Bad went to worse for the elves when their other journeyman player was also trod under by Akilla da Hunk, this one suffering what looked to be a dislocated lung. Depleted but not defeated, the Thyme Lords regrouped, with Wei Ping Angel crashing into Flaydolf Critler and sending the ball flying loose. Meanwhile, the orcs took advantage of Captain Jack Barkness' inability to stand up for any length of time, and a quartet of black orcs set about keeping the big fellow on his trunk. Gorechief Mangleya of the Taints' blitzer corps picked up the ball and continued the road to the end zone. Once again, though, Wei Ping Angel took it upon himself to prevent the orcs from scoring, and once more batted the ball free from the frustrated Taints. The very talented wardancer Dock Tore took the chance to make a leap at the discarded ball, but landed awkwardly and was slow to get up.
Sick and tired of Wei Ping Angel's tactics, Flaydolf Critler put an end to the line elf's pestering with a huge hammerblow to the back of the skull, an injury which would require five doctors nearly a hundred staples to correct, and a dozen hairstylists to cover up for the offseason. Gorechief Mangleya recovered the ball once again, and without too much difficulty, the Taints put the ball down in the end zone for the game's first point.
Little time remained in the first half for the Thyme Lords to do anything but run a passing drill, with Cy Lance managing a pass to Clay Nine in the dying seconds.
With the start of the second half, the orcs resumed their game of "tip the treeman" and Barkness spent most of the rest of the day on the ground. The Taints offense stalled early, though, when Brick Chiney's pass to Grimerick Grimmler missed its mark. Chiney recovered the ball soon thereafter, and this time made a pass to team leader Grim Jong Kill for another blitzer-led offensive push. The elves tried to push at the orcish protection here and there, but their depleted numbers made it a difficult prospect at best. Down to the line, Grim Jong Kill delayed his score while the rest of his team had its way with the Thyme Lords' defense. A brief flash of excitement went up when Barkness at last managed to get off the ground, but the hope died when Brick Chiney, locked in a blood haze after dodging the massive trunk legs of the Thyme Lords' treeman, ran up and kicked Eldril Sidewinder square in the crotch. The stadium was briefly awash with the sounds of fainting elves hitting the floor of the bleachers, followed by the uproarious cheers of the Taints' own fans, now in an overwhelming majority (in terms of being awake and alert).
At last, Grim Jong Kill walked the ball into the end zone, and the ensuing kickoff was once more merely a ceremonial affair. A half-hearted toss from Sontearian to Clay Nine closed the game out, And the orc fans erupted with violent joy after winning the first playoff game in LCBBL history. The Taints will advance to play the winner of the upcoming game between the Slaaneshgrad Kompressor and the Warprat Warriors.
MVPs of this match were Flaydolf Critler of the New Orcleans Taints, and Dock Tore of the Elfchester Thyme Lords.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Warriors, Kompressor battle to tie, Thrashas thrash Niledrivers
Belated but not forgotten, here's the second half of match reports from Wraithfire Conference's opening week.
We begin with a highly-anticipated battle between two veteran coaches, as the brutish forces of the Slaaneshgrad Kompressor met the high-speed Skaven squad of the Warprat Warriors. The fans in attendance were overwhelmingly in support of the Chaos team, though the noise may have distracted the stoic Kompressor, as their opening kickoff was nothing short of abysmal. On the touchback, hulking rat-ogre Ratz was given the ball, and in a rare display of focus by a big guy, Ratz was able to power his way downfield and score an early opening touchdown for the Warriors.
As play resumed, Chaos warrior Subutai quickly gathered up the ball and surged forward through a maelstrom of violence, but was eventually dragged down by the Warprat defense. Frustrated beyond control, Subutai leaped to his feet and set upon linerat Blinky with murderous intent. Blinky was left in a crumpled heap with his head pointing the wrong way around, and was dragged off with the level of care one would expect for an unskilled laborer. Subutai's return to the melee was enough to turn the tide for the Kompressor, and beastman Loki had the presence of mind to pick up the ball and score the equalizer before the end of the half.
The second half began as a testament to the nature of the game: occasionally inspiring, frequently cringeworthy. The Kompressor were dominating the line of scrimmage, leaving several Skaven stunned in the mud, but it took several attempts by the beastmen to corral the ball and start the offense moving. Ankou finally picked the elusive ball up, and got the Big Grey Machine rolling forward. The massive Ratz attempted to stymie Ankou's progress, but tripped and fell, and spent the remainder of the drive angrily roaring at the sky. When the touchdown seemed secured, the Chaos squad appeared content to hold off and let time tick away, but a surge of gutter runners managed to shove Ankou into the end zone, allowing them some small shred of time with which to battle back.
The Kompressor smartly set up a prevent defense, allowing the Skaven to gain ground but hopefully keeping them from tying the score once more. The Warriors weren't about to quit, though, and a surge downfield led by Ratz gained them significant ground. Thrower Skitter passed the ball off to Krahzi Greycloak, and while the beastmen did their best, they couldn't knock over the diminutive and dodgy Skaven. Greycloak scored, and time expired, resulting in a spirited, if unsatisfying, tie match.
MVPs of the game were Hades of the Kompressor and Steelfur of the Warriors.
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The final match saw the mysterious Alexslamdria Niledrivers against the heavy-hitting horde of the Ghazghkull Thrashas. From start to finish it was clear to see what kind of game the Thrashas had come to play, and the tone they set echoed throughout the stadium and through the skulls of those players they knocked over. Barely concerned with the ball, the orcs throttled everything they could, dishing out severe injuries to blitzers Cleosmacktra and Tuts McGee. The battle was so intense that the orcs forgot that there was, in fact, a game to be won, and by the time they had remembered what they were supposed to do with the ball, time had run out in the first half.
Things did not go much better for the Niledrivers after halftime. They managed a single passing play before the green tide of orcish fury washed over them. Another injury was suffered, this time by a linewoman with too much mud on her uniform to identify her, courtesy of hard-tackling line orc Forq, with a patented bodyslam move he calls the Forqlift. His linemate Zorq got his calloused hands on the ball, and after what seemed like an eternity (or two eternities for the beleaguered Niledrivers) the Thrashas scored the only touchdown of the game.
MVPs of the match were Forq of the Thrashas, who had great success in tackling down the nimble Niledrivers, and a linewoman who couldn't be identified, or at least wasn't prepared to give our correspondent any comment other than a punch in the kidney.
We begin with a highly-anticipated battle between two veteran coaches, as the brutish forces of the Slaaneshgrad Kompressor met the high-speed Skaven squad of the Warprat Warriors. The fans in attendance were overwhelmingly in support of the Chaos team, though the noise may have distracted the stoic Kompressor, as their opening kickoff was nothing short of abysmal. On the touchback, hulking rat-ogre Ratz was given the ball, and in a rare display of focus by a big guy, Ratz was able to power his way downfield and score an early opening touchdown for the Warriors.
As play resumed, Chaos warrior Subutai quickly gathered up the ball and surged forward through a maelstrom of violence, but was eventually dragged down by the Warprat defense. Frustrated beyond control, Subutai leaped to his feet and set upon linerat Blinky with murderous intent. Blinky was left in a crumpled heap with his head pointing the wrong way around, and was dragged off with the level of care one would expect for an unskilled laborer. Subutai's return to the melee was enough to turn the tide for the Kompressor, and beastman Loki had the presence of mind to pick up the ball and score the equalizer before the end of the half.
The second half began as a testament to the nature of the game: occasionally inspiring, frequently cringeworthy. The Kompressor were dominating the line of scrimmage, leaving several Skaven stunned in the mud, but it took several attempts by the beastmen to corral the ball and start the offense moving. Ankou finally picked the elusive ball up, and got the Big Grey Machine rolling forward. The massive Ratz attempted to stymie Ankou's progress, but tripped and fell, and spent the remainder of the drive angrily roaring at the sky. When the touchdown seemed secured, the Chaos squad appeared content to hold off and let time tick away, but a surge of gutter runners managed to shove Ankou into the end zone, allowing them some small shred of time with which to battle back.
The Kompressor smartly set up a prevent defense, allowing the Skaven to gain ground but hopefully keeping them from tying the score once more. The Warriors weren't about to quit, though, and a surge downfield led by Ratz gained them significant ground. Thrower Skitter passed the ball off to Krahzi Greycloak, and while the beastmen did their best, they couldn't knock over the diminutive and dodgy Skaven. Greycloak scored, and time expired, resulting in a spirited, if unsatisfying, tie match.
MVPs of the game were Hades of the Kompressor and Steelfur of the Warriors.
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The final match saw the mysterious Alexslamdria Niledrivers against the heavy-hitting horde of the Ghazghkull Thrashas. From start to finish it was clear to see what kind of game the Thrashas had come to play, and the tone they set echoed throughout the stadium and through the skulls of those players they knocked over. Barely concerned with the ball, the orcs throttled everything they could, dishing out severe injuries to blitzers Cleosmacktra and Tuts McGee. The battle was so intense that the orcs forgot that there was, in fact, a game to be won, and by the time they had remembered what they were supposed to do with the ball, time had run out in the first half.
Things did not go much better for the Niledrivers after halftime. They managed a single passing play before the green tide of orcish fury washed over them. Another injury was suffered, this time by a linewoman with too much mud on her uniform to identify her, courtesy of hard-tackling line orc Forq, with a patented bodyslam move he calls the Forqlift. His linemate Zorq got his calloused hands on the ball, and after what seemed like an eternity (or two eternities for the beleaguered Niledrivers) the Thrashas scored the only touchdown of the game.
MVPs of the match were Forq of the Thrashas, who had great success in tackling down the nimble Niledrivers, and a linewoman who couldn't be identified, or at least wasn't prepared to give our correspondent any comment other than a punch in the kidney.
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