Embalmers Cool Off Hot Human Offense

Another fine day for Blood Bowl brought two offensive dynamos together in the Terrorskull Conference finals. The Araby Falcons, coming off their heroic 4-3 triple overtime victory over the Tri-City Theropod Thrashers, and the undefeated Winterplague Embalmers, who edged the Qamaja Rouglrejirz to continue their playoff drive. The stadium filled up with fans, with slightly more dead in attendance than living, and the coin flip went to the humans, who would receive first.

What happened next is pure chaos. Reports tell us that everything started with an unappreciated comment about how Falcons' star receiver Arthur Jaris Green would be a very good player for the Embalmers to "make an offer to", which generally implies the death of the sought-after player. Tempers flared, drinks were spilled, and soon a brawl broke out in the stands, eventually spilling over onto the field of play. Half a dozen Araby players were driven into the dirt, while the Winterplague side only experienced a couple of such tumbles.

When the dust cleared and the game truly began, the Falcons started with their most reliable play, a perfect throw from Mathius Ice resulting in a perfect catch by Arthur Jaris Green. The Embalmers were ready for the play, however, and mere moments after Green had caught the ball, Wraith Lewis roared up and dragged the catcher to the ground, ripping the ball free as he fell and taking it for himself. A huge log jam of players piled up around the play, and human blitzer Aldai Peterson took down Wraith Lewis to send the ball tumbling free once more. Barda Urlacker, pressed up to the edge of the field by the undead, made a desperate move to get away and wound up falling onto the ball.

Zombie Dreg Bumble did his best to thin out the competition, leveling Arthur Jaris Green and nudging the unconscious catcher out of the way for the powerful John Hellway to get a hold of the ball. Hellway surged up the field, near to where fellow ghoul Tomb Brady had quietly advanced. Hellway lobbed a quick pass at Brady, who caught the ball and scampered in for the game's first touchdown.

Things went from bad to worse for the Falcons when, on the ensuing kickoff, the Embalmers played a six man rush to field the ball themselves! The ball landed and bounced right to speedy ghoul Ben Rottensburger, and suddenly the human team was on the defensive again. They might have stopped the ghoul too, were it not for a massive showdown at midfield ruining everyone's concentration. Falcons' ogre ManRam threw a huge punch at Embalmers' #1 mummy, Rowdy Rotty Pulper, just as Pulper was launching his own fist right at the ogre. Both players crumpled to the turf, unconscious, the ground shaking as they fell. By the time everyone had come to their senses, there was Ben Rottensburger, standing in the end zone. It was two to nothing for the Embalmers and not even the end of the first half yet.

On the next drive, the undead made yet another blitz, but there was no chance to snatch the ball away as the kick soared out of bounds. Mathius Ice began with the ball on the touchback, and with his favorite target Arthur Jaris Green still recovering from having his bell rung, Ice made his pass to Barda Urlacker, hoping the blitzer would be able to cut into the Embalmers' lead. Urlacker was quickly relieved of the ball by the defensive prowess of Wraith Lewis, but Aldai Peterson was on the spot to grab the discarded ball and lunge forward for a surprising score.

When next the ball was kicked into play, looming clouds gave way to a sudden downpour, and the wet ball began to play havoc with both teams' play. Ben Rottensburger picked up the ball with some difficulty, and his handoff to John Hellway was flubbed. Several players from both sides tried to settle the unruly squigskin down, but it wasn't to be. A little more violence punctuated the end of the first half, as Jarin Jarin Watts shoved Wraith Lewis into the stands to the joy of the undead fans he landed amid. Troy Achemoan managed to thump Mathius Ice hard enough to send the thrower off for an ice pack and a few minutes in the quiet room.

The second half began with rain still coming down hard. A high kick from the Falcons' defense gave John Hellway plenty of time to get to the ball, and he fielded it with confidence. Before he even reached midfield, though, attention focused elsewhere. Rowdy Rotty Pulper, ever the advocate for unconventional recruiting techniques, picked up human lineman Chad Meanway and impaled him on his helmet spike, proceeding then to spin the now-dead player around like a horizontal windmill of gore. Enraged at the loss of his comrade, ManRam broke out of coverage and tried to similarly do in John Hellway, but the crafty ghoul neatly dodged the blow.

The Embalmers' mummies were fired up for the second half, as it was now Crush Limblargh's turn to do someone harm. The towering fiend gave Barda Urlacker a big enough smack on the chest to temporarily tenderize his torso, and the blitzer had to be carted off to sit the rest of the match out. Zombie Wince Killspork added to the personnel problem by shoving Arthur Jaris Green out of bounds after he was surrounded by a group of ghouls. With so few left to defend against the oncoming run, John Hellway easily scored to make it a 3-1 game.

A high kick to Marcus Sanchez started the next drive, and Sanchez made the pass to Green with ease. The undead were still playing their game, though, and zombie Max Hunger barely noticed the play, busy as he was punching Jarin Jarin Watts until he was carted away. The ball was again knocked free by the stifling undead defense, and Troy Achemoan recovered it with the intention of passing to Tomb Brady. The ball scattered away from Brady, however, and eventually wound up in the bewildered mitts of Rowdy Rotty Pulper. Having no idea what to do with the ball, Pulper attempted to give it back to Brady, but the rain made short work of such endeavors, and time ran out for the play and for the Falcons. The Winterplague Embalmers were on their way to the championship game!

MVPs of the game were the sure-handed John Hellway of the Embalmers, and the strong-blocking Cassius Matthews of the Falcons. While the undead will advance to play for the title, the Falcons were given the news that their coach would be in charge of the Terrorskull Conference's All-Star team, and that the electrifying offensive duo of Mathius Ice and Arthur Jaris Green would be playing. Finally removed from Rowdy Rotty Pulper's helmet, Chad Meanway was informed that he would be going to the finals...as a Winterplague Embalmer.

Embalmers Survive Early Scare to Top Rouglrejirz

The undefeated Winterplague Embalmers put their streak on the line in a quarterfinal match against the Qamaja Rouglrejirz this past Tuesday, each team looking to advance to the conference championships and be that much closer to the LCBBL Dungeonbowl trophy.

Despite having a smaller fanbase present for this match, the Orc supporters managed to out-scream their undead counterparts on the opening kickoff, bolstering their team's resolve as they took on the league's winningest squad. The Embalmers must have plugged their ears, or simply removed them for the time being, because they started the match off with the same methodical intensity that they've become known for, led by mummy Crush Limblargh's knockout blow against line orc Tarod. The Rouglrejirz had a heavy hitter of their own, this game, though he was enjoying the match from the stands until called forth.  No sooner than electrifying ghoul runner John Hellway had scooped up the ball and surged up to the line of scrimmage, he was on his back in a smoking heap courtesy of the Rouglrejirz's hired wizard. An audible "gulp" echoed from the Embalmers' fans as their star player was carted off the field, not to return for the entire match.

The hits kept coming after Tomb Brady of the Embalmers picked up where his crispy comrade left off. Black orc Jreghug rang zombie Dreg Bumble's bell, and blitzer Lamgugh did the same to Max Hunger. The undead weren't taking the beatings laying down, though, and gave as good as they got. Speedy wight Dante Sinferno shoved orc blitzer Oughan clear off the field, and Crush Limblargh continued his agenda of mandatory naptimes for the orcs, this time putting Magub's lights out for a little while. With less players on the field, the speedy undead found a clear path to advance, and soon Tomb Brady was leaping across the line for the game's first touchdown.

The following kickoff was an inhuman boot from the hulking Rowdy Rotty Pulper which flew clear out of the stadium, and a new ball was fetched and given to orc thrower Abbas to begin the drive. Abbas quickly launched a pass to Sakgu, but no sooner had the ball entered his hands than it was knocked free once more by a cannonball blitz courtesy of Troy Achemoan. Achemoan's momentum nearly carried him into the crowd along with his next target, the luckless Lamgugh, but his quick reflexes allowed him to redirect himself towards the discarded ball and charge forward into the end zone to make it 2-0 for the undead. Abbas managed one more pass for the orcs before halftime.

The second half started badly for the Rouglrejirz, but they weathered the blitz from their undead opponents, and Abbas managed a huge pass down to blitzer Magub to get the ball out of danger. The Embalmers' zombies seemed intent on earning their pay for a change, and the mundanely energetic Dreg Bumble managed to pry it free from Magub after shoving the orc down with the clinical effort one expects of the walking dead. The hefty Blak Sashower responded by hitting Dante Sinferno hard enough to temporarily scramble the wight's necromantic energies and sent him cartwheeling off the field to sleep off the hit. Sakgu the blitzer added his own personal touch to the affair by knocking Dreg Bumble out with a forearm shiver. The surprisingly agile Blak Sashower got his meaty mitts on the ball, and lobbed what we assume must have been a pass to line orc Unrugagh.

The undead bashed their way towards the ball carrier as best they could, knocking out Digdug and Tarod, and eventually stunning Unrugagh. Heroically, the oafish Jreghug arrived on the scene to easily toss Wraith Lewis into the bleachers, and buy enough time for Unrugagh to right himself, pick up the ball, and walk it in for a touchdown. Not much time remained, but the orcs weren't out of it yet.

The next drive for the Embalmers started off well, with Tomb Brady tossing a short pass to Ben Rottensburger to get the offense going. The excitement was short-lived as Rottensburger tripped over a discarded jock strap on his way downfield, and the orcs surged forward to capitalize on the mistake. Unfortunately for them, no one could seem to get a sure grip on the ball. The Rouglrejirz did, at least, take the opportunity to viciously assault Crush Limblargh, knocking the mummy out despite Digdug getting caught and ejected in the process. Time finally wound down on this match, and the Winterplague Embalmers lurched away with a 2-1 victory and their perfect record intact.

Match MVP awards went to Rowdy Rotty Pulper of the Embalmers for his devoted defense of his teammates, And to the orc Nugai, who seems to have just shown up and got added to the roster because, as the orc coach put it, "We liked 'is shade uh green".  The Embalmers go on to face the winner of the upcoming Tri-City Theropod Thrashers / Araby Falcons match.

Manarchists, All-Spars Battle to Clear-Cut Draw; Taints Blow Out Stinkers

Wraithfire Conference kicked off its side of the Dungeonbowl tournament this past Monday, and unlike the proceedings over in Terrorskull, the games weren't exclusively routs, nor did any team become lost after falling into a gaping chasm.Leading off our coverage this time is the age-old rivalry between Elves and Dwarves. Complete opposites in terms of their play styles, these two races, though allies in so many timeless epics of verse and prose, like nothing more than to prove their superiority at every chance. The Mad-Hattan Manarchists and Holly-Wood All-Spars are the latest teams to do battle in this great rivalry, and both squads played with great pride.

The animosity was barely containable, and before the match even began, officials had to forcefully separate players to ensure that the match would even take place. When the kickoff finally was made, things got a bit embarrassing for the normally-graceful Wood Elves. A pass downfield was bobbled by Wardancer Mr. Teak and catcher Bruce Willows, Something which cost them precious time as dwarves closed in from all sides. Lineelf Hickory Swank was knocked out in the melee by the dwarf blocker Blitz Mightystump, and martial arts expert Spruce Lee was kicked soundly in the noggin by the crazy-eyed Fisty Ironflank. Luckily for the troll slayer, the officials didn't catch the blatant foul. Unluckily for Spruce Lee, Fisty was wearing a set of studded brass toe rings, giving the highly-paid wardancer a serious concussion. On the bright side for the elves, Bruce Willows managed to break free with the ball in hand, and galloped into the end zone for a touchdown. The numerous elven fans on hand echoed his cry of "Yippee Kay Yay, Speckled Alder!" Many wondered why he chose to run barefoot.

The elves were beginning to feel good about their game despite the injury to their player, but that wouldn't last to halftime as the ensuing kickoff saw Fisty Ironflank at it again, springboarding himself forward in a frenzy of cursing and belching, and punching a very messy hole in lineelf Mahogany Freeman's torso. The elves live by a philosophy of bending rather than breaking, in the face of enemies of great strength. It would seem that the late mister Freeman was not much of a philosopher.

The second half played out as precariously as the first, with injury scares coming on both sides. Mr Teak was pushed roughly into the crowd, but as luck would have it, he landed in the arms of several All-Spars fans, who supported him as he crowd-surfed back to the team's dugout. Then, as the dwarves began setting up a protective cage for ball carrier Dutch Thunderforce, Blitzer Stud Rippingblood tripped and landed awkwardly on his beard, forcing him to leave the match with what medical staff described as "a non-threatening hair malfunction". Whatever that means, he sat the rest of the game out.

The dwarf cage plan worked well, and though the elven defense did their best to cede as little ground as possible to the stout Manarchists, Dutch Thunderforce eventually rumbled into the end zone and screamed "DUTCHDOWN!" To the delight of every rowdy, drunken dwarf in attendance. The match thereafter became a true war of attrition with the All-Spars suffering heavy losses on the line of scrimmage. Several knockouts occurred, and Brock Bouldertower, tall for a dwarf at a lofty 4'7", leveled the flamboyantly-clad Rue Palm, eliminating yet another Wood Elf from contention. It seemed as though time surged by unnoticed amid the crunchy, splotchy action, and the final whistle sounded before either team could manage another score. The final result, a 1-1 draw, though you'd be hard-pressed to tell the All-Spars that they hadn't lost in some respect.

MVPs of the match were the All-Spars' Rue Palm, presumably for his sense of style, and line dwarf Blitz Mightystump, who was far too drunk to comment.

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The second match looked lopsided on paper, and it's unfortunate for the Fort Muenster Stinkers that no one showed them that paper. The Goblin fans on hand outnumbered the Orc supporters on hand to watch their New Orcleans Taints, presumably because they sat on each others' shoulders and wore large ponchos to get two in for the price of one.

The Goblins received the kickoff, and seemed confident in their ability to score, until their pogo stick operator, Boingo Wossname, failed to stick the landing on a leap. With the scoring threat neutralized, the Taints did what they do best, which is pick on people smaller than themselves. Coagula Seizure started the hit parade, putting the diminutive Zim Zebow out of commission for the remainder of the day. Following his lead was lineorc Cryatolla Da Meanie, who sent Hurk Dipstink away on a stretcher. For some reason, seeing a teammate copy his crushing success only made Coagula angrier, the brunt of which was borne by the hapless Ziddy Blotch, who was taken away in a wheelbarrow since the stretcher was currently in use.

The Stinkers' trolls, Windmill Widegut and Thump Slopmug, fared little better, as the diminishing number of tiny green friends dwindled and more orcs were able to pile in against the hulking fellows, and both of them wound up getting knocked out for the balance of the half. Cryatolla Da Meanie, meanwhile, had gotten his hands onto the ball despite everyone's commitment to ignoring it, and stood near the end zone. He didn't think to score until a teammate came up to block his view of the wholesale thrashing going on back upfield. Before he wandered in for the score, two more casualties were counted, as Maulhammer Goredafy punched Flunk Spitgob so hard that he was off the field before the medical staff could be notified. Scarier still for the Stinkers was blitzer Grim Jong Kill's nauseating blow to the sternum of Skip Skungle, who was pronounced deadish, until the team doctor beat him with the healthy stick, which is either a medical marvel or a great way to tell if a goblin is faking his death. At last, the orcs scored their touchdown and the half came to a close.

Bolstered slightly by the awakening of both unconscious trolls, the Stinkers kicked the ball over to the Taints, though it didn't go nearly far enough to get over the half line. On the touchback, the ball was given to black orc blocker Gaul Gut, who raised an eyebrow in disbelief. If we had the proper magical media editing tools we'd have assembled a montage for Gut's impressive run downfield. Slow motion wouldn't be necessary given the black orc's practically geological pace, but if you close your eyes and think about it, and maybe include a tune by your favorite minstrels, it will bring a smile to your face. Every conceivable goblin defense plan was thwarted, as bomber Blech Bomble attempted to lob an explosive towards the black orc and instead dropped the thing back into the bag. The resulting detonation was catastrophic, and Bomble's day ended quite shortly thereafter.

The goblins did manage a few flashes of brilliance, or at least the goblin equivalent thereof. The near-dead Skip Skungle managed to trip up and casually foul line orc Grimerick Grimmler without being detected. Immediately after that, Rippy Cheddar, the Stinkers' chainsaw-wielding poster boy for poor social integration, gave black orc Maulhammer Goredafy a crash course in extreme scarification, rendering the big fellow very bloody, though no permanent damage was sustained. Gaul Gut rumbled in for the touchdown, and with little time left and even less personnel, it looked like game over for the Stinkers.

The Taints, however, weren't through yet. On the following kickoff, the orcs mounted a vicious blitz and blitzer Flaydolf Critler snatched up the ball. The goblins, ever foolish and stubborn, refused to simply roll over. Or, rather, the trolls refused to allow them to. Windmill Widegut snatched up teammate Donker Dungheap, hurled him into coverage, and roared happily as the goblin managed a safe landing. Inspired by his team actually accomplish something, Doot Doodle Ootdoot took a screaming, flailing run at the Taints' thrower, Brick Chiney. The little goblin vaulted up onto Chiney's thigh and smashed his helmet square under the orc's chin, sending him down like a halfling in a turkey coma. Though no permanent damage was sustained by Chiney, his pride may take some time to heal.

The Taints responded by fouling  a downed Thump Slopmug, who shrugged off what appeared to be a horrible injury, and then ate a clod of dirt on his way off the field. Sensing that there was no way to stop the orcs yet again, the goblins reverted to picking fights here and there. Skip Skungle set about throwing a hit on blitzer Gorechief Mangley, but it was the orc who prevailed, and Skungle was dragged away to count his lucky stars as they danced around his head. Coagula Seizure then completed his trifecta of  runt punting by putting Donker Dungheap out of commission. At last, with barely any goblins left on the field, Flaydolf Critler strode into the end zone and saluted the crowd. The final score: Taints 3, Stinkers 0.

Match MVP awards went to the Stinkers' Rippy Cheddar, presumably for his can-opener routine on Maulhammer Goredafy, and to the Taints' Grim Jong Kill for nearly killing somebody due to his prolific tackling skill. Notable as well was the hellishly inspired violence perpetrated by Coagula Seizure, who counted three casualties in a single match, likely a mark that will stand for some time.

Terrorskull Conference Kicks Off its Inaugural Season

Three out of four scheduled matches were played this past Tuesday to mark the beginning of the Loyalist City Blood Bowl League's first season, and specifically the Terrorskull Conference's first day of sorts carnage. This Eastern half of the LCBBL promises brutal action and strong fundamental play, assuming your idea of fundamentals is centered around physical violence instead of necessarily scoring points.

Unfortunately, one of our teams was eliminated from contention before even getting to play a single game. On their way to meet the Bonesmoor Ravens for their match, an unknown Orc team was completely lost when their caravan attempted to cross a rickety bridge over a deep chasm. The bridge gave out, and the full compliment of players, coaches, cheerleaders, medical staff, traveling fans, and assorted innocent bystanders fell into the gap, never to be seen again. Perhaps one or two survived to found an Underworld league? We may never know. As a result of the tragedy, the Bonesmoor Ravens were awarded the win and the spoils. Luckily for us, there were three more games to sate our appetite for destruction this day.

The first game to successfully begin saw the Winterplague Embalmers, an Undead squad from the frozen northern reaches of the world, face the Ogreland Raydurzz, a team of Ogres and Snotlings from the cratered wastelands. The game began poorly for the Raydurzz, as the opening drive was punctuated by a skull flying out of the stands and smacking Ogre Bill Tinfoul square in the forehead, sending the big fella down for a short nap.With the Raydurzz already at a disadvantage, the Embalmers set their running offense in motion as ghoul runner John Hellway scooped up the ball and made his way over midfield. The Raydurzz attempted to fill the game left by Tinfoul's spontaneous close-up encounter with the pitch by sending Snotlings in to take his place. This did not go so well. Lucky made strides to plug up the line of scrimmage, but tripped and pinched a nerve. He was followed to the infirmary by teammate Thumbs, who suffered a fractured leg after a collision by the Embalmers' team captain, the ghoul Tomb Brady. With the Ogre defense in disarray, Hellway made great strides to the end zone and scored the first touchdown in the league's history, but not before another Snotling, this time the luckless Ooozze, slipped in a pile of Ogre spit and broke his little neck.

On the ensuing kickoff, a parade of stretchers began carrying numerous knocked out players to their sidelines, with Ogre Rollin Thunder turning Zombie Dreg Bumble's lights out. This was followed by Snotling Wheels tossing a teeny, tiny pass to teammate Chuck, who regrettably fell down and went boom, and was dragged away to the recovery room. Undead Wight Dante Sinferno followed up by clobbering Fumbler, and another Snotling was bound for a pile of hay and a nose full of smelling salts. In the dying seconds of the half, Ghoul Ben Rottensburger got a hold of the ball and lobbed it to Troy Achemoan, but time ran out before the Undead could score again.

The second half started well for the Raydurzz as the recently-awoken Fumbler tossed a pass to his good friend Squish, who then handed it off to Wheels. Snotling spirits were high until Rowdy Rotty Pulper, one of the Embalmers' towering Mummies, soundly stomped Crazy into a mushy paste beneath his heavy foot. Truly, Crazy died how he had lived. After a bout of pushing and shoving, the ball popped loose from Wheels' grasp, and John Hellway once again gained possession. Things were going well for Hellway - the Ogres even seemed to be having a little group nap. A committee of Snotlings managed to bring him down along the sidelines, however, and the ball flew into the stands. It seemed as though the Embalmers had a little extra "talent" up there, because the throw-in went directly to Dante Sinferno and the drive continued. Troy Achemoan helped clear the way by sending Sprinkles the Snotling to the infirmary, and as Sinferno rolled into the end zone, the game devolved (or evolved, depending upon your point of view) into a brawl full of fouls and punches, Notably with Ben Rottensburger injuring Snotling Aaahhs, Heeve Ho the Ogre booting Zombie Cruddy Lunge in the head, and Fluddy Ditch being tossed for trying to knee-drop Bill Tinfoul. The final score was 2-0 for the Winterplague Embalmers.

MVPs of the match were Will Blitz of the Raydurzz, and Dante Sinferno of the Embalmers, who displayed astonishing speed throughout the game.

We'll be back soon with coverage of the other two matches.