Kompressor Grinds Down Taints

The forces of Chaos faced their worthy adversary, the orcs, in the Wraithfire conference championship. With the New Orcleans Taints tipping the scale of team value, the Slaaneshgrad Kompressor evened the odds with the hiring of fan favorite, known cheater and all-around poor role model Max Spleenripper. They also brought in a beer-dispensing cheerleader to boost morale on the sidelines. A lovely day greeted the crowd, which was slightly skewed in favour of the Kompressor (likely due to their ability to cram more people into enclosed spaces). The coin toss was won by the Taints, who elected to kick off first.

The first kick of the game went off course when a strong gust of wind happened by, and the ball sailed out of play, subsequently given to beastman Thanatos. Quickly, the Chaos team fell into formation, creating a strong cage around their ball carrier. Undeterred the orcs put their aggressive defense to work, led by the mighty Grim Jong Kill, who mowed down Babur the Tiger so hard they had to drag him off the pitch, his day over with early. The Kompressor was quick to retaliate, however. the rambunctious Baal made a bone-crushing hit on black orc Gaul Gut, severely damaging the big fellow's hip and rendering him useless for the rest of the tournament. Max Spleenripper followed that up with an overhead chainsaw smash on the professor of pugilistic provocation himself, Coagula Seizure. Fortunately the blow caught Seizure square on the forehead, causing him to miss only the rest of this match.

Fewer and fewer the orc forces dwindled. Next to fall was Goresef Skullin after an intimate encounter with beastman Hades' horns. Still, the green warriors wouldn't give up. Grim Jong Kill moved in and laid a blitz on Thanatos, hard enough to knock the ball free. Coming up behind him, Grimerick Grimmler snatched up the lost ball and threw a great heave of a pass to blitzer Flaydolf Critler, who caught the pass despite everything you may have come to expect from an orc offense. The forces of Chaos barely seemed to notice and continued their wholesale battery. The enraged beastman Ankou effectively pummeled the hapless Kroney, doing what team doctors are calling a "real bad ouch" which will likely haunt him for the rest of his career. Max Spleenripper did catch sight of Critler as he ran down the sideline, but his attack only succeeded in giving himself a brief stunner when he flat-ended himself in the head on the chainsaw's backswing. With nothing else to stop him, Critler opened the scoring for the Taints.

The next kickoff involved a very clever misdirection play by the orcs, shuffling their defense to confuse the Chaos team despite their reduced numbers. Unfortunately, this kick was also badly off target, and the touchback put the ball into the gnarled, determined hands of Loki the beastman. The Kompressor hurled themselves as one downfield, taking full advantage of the depleted orc squad's less-effective coverage. Still, the Taints were hard to shake, particularly the incomparable Grim Jong Kill, who leaped headlong into Loki and showed the beastman what a REAL headbutt to the sternum feels like. Serious skeletal fracturing seemed to be the order of the day, and win or lose, Loki wouldn't be playing until the next season.Still, the numbers game was paying off for the Kompressor, as an unguarded beastman managed to retrieve the ball and hand it off to kinsman Hades, who took it to the end zone for the tying score.

There was time enough in the first half for one more attempt at a scoring drive, but after orc thrower Brick Chiney's pass was dropped by Flaydolf Critler, the opportunity vanished, and the teams went into the locker rooms deadlocked at one point apiece.

The Slaaneshgrad Kompressor came out for the second half to the rousing bellows of their coaching staff, but unless the advice given was "hurt more orcs", it likely went unnoticed. Once again, the kick was poorly made, and strangely the touchback saw black orc Maulhammer Goredafy in possession of the ball. Undeterred by having a tougher nut to crack, the Kompressor renewed their cavalcade of mayhem, knocking the big orc down and stunning a pair of others before a massive hit from beastman Azrael fractured the skull of orc lineman Cryatolla da Meanie. The assault wasn't perfect, though, as an unscheduled tumble by Ankou put a temporary stopper on the beatings.

Getting his mitts on the ball once again, Goredafy pressed forward into a sea of raging beastmen, and was joined quickly by his teammates on a rampage of their own. Goredafy punched Ankou hard enough to send him sprawling awkwardly (but conveniently) into his team's infirmary, and Flaydolf Critler steamrolled into Baal to send the unconscious beastman off for a nap. Sure enough, the Kompressor retaliated, with armored menace Subutai finally knocking down Goredafy and pulling the ball free. The orcs were briefly encouraged when it bounced right into the arms of Flaydolf Critler, but Azrael put him on his back and this time, the ball wound up in the unforgiving grasp of Subutai.

Much shoving and generally unfriendly behavior ensued, the only anomaly being a successful handoff from Subutai, who would much rather continue violently spreading the word of Chaos than scoring touchdowns, to the ever-dangerous Hades. The orcs managed a clear run at him from the mad-eyed Maulhammer Goredafy, obviously inconsolable at the loss of the ball, but Goredafy should have paid more attention to his feet. His attack failed, and it was instead he himself who was dragged off by the medical staff. Hades continued to wade through the melee towards the goal line.

Bodies flew this way and that, along with blood, spittle, sweat, rocks, misplaced equipment, and at least one very lost groundhog. At one point, Subutai's merry rampage saw him trip up and land on that groundhog, which by now was in a full rodent blood haze, and it very nearly cost the mighty chaos warrior his life. Only with the skilled labor of three surgeon-cultists and a "volunteer" from the stands, was the hulking brute of a man kept in the land of the living.

The orcs continued to pursue Hades as best they could, but their depleted ranks simply couldn't find a way through the protection of his teammates. As time expired, Hades lurched over the goal line and lay down for the briefest of naps, after which he was immediately swarmed by legions of fans carrying him around, and very graciously not ripping parts off of him a souvenirs. The day was won for Chaos, the score 2-1. The Kompressor would advance to the Dungeonbowl finals match against the Winterplague Embalmers.

Match MVPs were the surprisingly agile Flaydolf Critler for the Taints, and the dramatically athletic Ankou of the Kompressor.

Kompressor Paves Road to Conference Final With Skaven Corpses

The LCBBL playoff picture became clearer this week as the Slaaneshgrad Kompressor took on the Warprat Warriors in a match that got messy early and stayed that way all day. The Warriors had a mountain of inducement cash provided to them, and as one might expect of a team that does most of its thinking with its noses, they hired the great Halfling chef Gordon Hamsey to whip everyone's taste buds into a frenzy. The Skaven also added an enthusiastic cheerleader to dispense drinks while sporting a very fetching designer clothespin on her nose. The Warriors also got the benefit of winning the kickoff, and readied to receive first.

To start the game off, the Skaven offense got to work with its usual go-to plan of playing "catch me if you can" with a much slower defense. Thrower Skitter lobbed a pass to gutter runner Shadran and the latter made a speedy charge up the sideline. Unfortunately for him, Hades, beastman for the Kompressor, took that opportunity to ram the smaller player and send him flying end over end into the crowd. Luckily, Shadran landed softly in a rat ogre's jumbo-sized beer and he was eventually dried out and sent back to the dugout. The ball, meanwhile, was hurled into the Kompressor's end zone, presumably by a Warriors fan. The rest of the Chaos squad must have really enjoyed watching Shadran careen into the fans, because this became their preferred strategy throughout the match. The brutish Attila picked up linerat Wetpawz by the scruff of his neck and nailed a perfect fading jumpshot into the same giant cup of beer, which of course frustrated the rat ogre who kept having to pay ten gold coins for the drinks.

Eventually, the chaos players remembered that there was a ball on the field, and beastman Thanatos went back to retrieve it. The Warriors, for their part, saw that they were going to have to be physical to contend with the Kompressor. The dreadful force of their rat ogre, Ratz, was just what they needed, as the massive hunk of teeth and claws crashed into the hapless Ankou. The impact sent Ankou flying into the air, and the beastman came down hard on his head, which had landed three or four seconds before the rest of his body. Dragged away on a stretcher (and in a bucket), Ankou reappeared miraculously a few minutes later, accompanied by a terrible smell and covered in blood which couldn't possibly be his alone.

The Kompressor continued to play the beatdown strategy while they marched steadily downfield. Beastman Azrael smashed star gutter runner Krahzi Greycloak into the stands, ruining yet another giant cup of booze. The rat ogre was livid, and in his unthinking rage, hurled Greycloak over the field into the other end of the stands, where he was soundly battered by the Chaos fans. Worse still for the Skaven was the hit laid on their thrower, Skitter, by the armour-bound Attila. A massive overhand smash from the hulking Chaos warrior collapsed the Skaven's spinal column and drilled his head into his chest cavity. The bewildered rodent staggered around for a few moments longer, then simply collapsed into a motionless heap.

The parade of airborne rodents didn't stop as the terrifying Mr. Noodles hurled linerat Nibbles skyward, where he bounced off the lid of the rat ogre's beer cup. It only took three ruined drinks for him to wise up about that. The remaining rats hadn't forgotten about the ball, though, and Gyr the gutter runner managed get it away from Thanatos and pitch it to linerat Mouse. This offensive burst was short-lived as Hades got it right back for Chaos, and lobbed it in the general direction of Thanatos, and despite missing the catch, he managed to pick it up and carry it in for the last-minute score.

The kickoff for the second half was sent too deep by the Skaven, drifting out of bounds and slamming into the face of a wandering snack vendor. The impact disrupted his intended task of chucking a cantaloupe to a hungry fan, and the tasty projectile instead soared onto the field and stunned Hades in an explosion of deliciousness. The ball, meanwhile, was given to Mr. Noodles, and his trek down the field began.

Hit after crushing hit was visited upon the hapless Skaven as the half wore on. Knottail was thrown out by Ankou, but was happily alright. Less fortunate was Runt, who was soundly beaten by Subutai and was forced to leave the match. Knocked out were Wetpawz and Runt, dragged off to nap the evening away. Yet, the team played on, led by the powerful presence of Ratz, who wouldn't go quietly. His heavy blitz knocked the ball free from a stunned Mr. Noodles, but it was soon recovered by Nergal. The rats continued to battle on, but the number game caught up to them. In a final, messy act of violence, Subutai's murderous enthusiasm snuffed the life from gutter runner Shadran, crushing the smaller player in a spiky embrace of doom and juicing the lifeless rodent like a fuzzy orange. Nergal trotted leisurely into the end zone, and the score was 2-0. Rather than drag their remaining players out onto the field again, the Skaven offered the white flag of surrender to the Kompressor, who accepted, knowing that the Gods of Chaos were appeased by their brutal play.

Match MVPs were the Kompressor's Babur the Tiger, and the Warriors' Palefur. The Slaaneshgrad Kompressor move on to face the New Orcleans Taints, to settle a scoreless score from earlier in the season. One of these titans will advance to the Dungeonbowl final, and it could be anyone's game.

Warriors, Kompressor battle to tie, Thrashas thrash Niledrivers

Belated but not forgotten, here's the second half of match reports from Wraithfire Conference's opening week.

We begin with a highly-anticipated battle between two veteran coaches, as the brutish forces of the Slaaneshgrad Kompressor met the high-speed Skaven squad of the Warprat Warriors. The fans in attendance were overwhelmingly in support of the Chaos team, though the noise may have distracted the stoic Kompressor, as their opening kickoff was nothing short of abysmal. On the touchback, hulking rat-ogre Ratz was given the ball, and in a rare display of focus by a big guy, Ratz was able to power his way downfield and score an early opening touchdown for the Warriors.

As play resumed, Chaos warrior Subutai quickly gathered up the ball and surged forward through a maelstrom of violence, but was eventually dragged down by the Warprat defense. Frustrated beyond control, Subutai leaped to his feet and set upon linerat Blinky with murderous intent. Blinky was left in a crumpled heap with his head pointing the wrong way around, and was dragged off with the level of care one would expect for an unskilled laborer. Subutai's return to the melee was enough to turn the tide for the Kompressor, and beastman Loki had the presence of mind to pick up the ball and score the equalizer before the end of the half.

The second half began as a testament to the nature of the game: occasionally inspiring, frequently cringeworthy. The Kompressor were dominating the line of scrimmage, leaving several Skaven stunned in the mud, but it took several attempts by the beastmen to corral the ball and start the offense moving. Ankou finally picked the elusive ball up, and got the Big Grey Machine rolling forward. The massive Ratz attempted to stymie Ankou's progress, but tripped and fell, and spent the remainder of the drive angrily roaring at the sky. When the touchdown seemed secured, the Chaos squad appeared content to hold off and let time tick away, but a surge of gutter runners managed to shove Ankou into the end zone, allowing them some small shred of time with which to battle back.

The Kompressor smartly set up a prevent defense, allowing the Skaven to gain ground but hopefully keeping them from tying the score once more. The Warriors weren't about to quit, though, and a surge downfield led by Ratz gained them significant ground. Thrower Skitter passed the ball off to Krahzi Greycloak, and while the beastmen did their best, they couldn't knock over the diminutive and dodgy Skaven. Greycloak scored, and time expired, resulting in a spirited, if unsatisfying, tie match.

MVPs of the game were Hades of the Kompressor and Steelfur of the Warriors.

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The final match saw the mysterious Alexslamdria Niledrivers against the heavy-hitting horde of the Ghazghkull Thrashas. From start to finish it was clear to see what kind of game the Thrashas had come to play, and the tone they set echoed throughout the stadium and through the skulls of those players they knocked over. Barely concerned with the ball, the orcs throttled everything they could, dishing out severe injuries to blitzers Cleosmacktra and Tuts McGee. The battle was so intense that the orcs forgot that there was, in fact, a game to be won, and by the time they had remembered what they were supposed to do with the ball, time had run out in the first half.

Things did not go much better for the Niledrivers after halftime. They managed a single passing play before the green tide of orcish fury washed over them. Another injury was suffered, this time by a linewoman with too much mud on her uniform to identify her, courtesy of hard-tackling line orc Forq, with a patented bodyslam move he calls the Forqlift. His linemate Zorq got his calloused hands on the ball, and after what seemed like an eternity (or two eternities for the beleaguered Niledrivers) the Thrashas scored the only touchdown of the game.

MVPs of the match were Forq of the Thrashas, who had great success in tackling down the nimble Niledrivers, and a linewoman who couldn't be identified, or at least wasn't prepared to give our correspondent any comment other than a punch in the kidney.