Belated but not forgotten, here's the second half of match reports from Wraithfire Conference's opening week.
We begin with a highly-anticipated battle between two veteran coaches, as the brutish forces of the Slaaneshgrad Kompressor met the high-speed Skaven squad of the Warprat Warriors. The fans in attendance were overwhelmingly in support of the Chaos team, though the noise may have distracted the stoic Kompressor, as their opening kickoff was nothing short of abysmal. On the touchback, hulking rat-ogre Ratz was given the ball, and in a rare display of focus by a big guy, Ratz was able to power his way downfield and score an early opening touchdown for the Warriors.
As play resumed, Chaos warrior Subutai quickly gathered up the ball and surged forward through a maelstrom of violence, but was eventually dragged down by the Warprat defense. Frustrated beyond control, Subutai leaped to his feet and set upon linerat Blinky with murderous intent. Blinky was left in a crumpled heap with his head pointing the wrong way around, and was dragged off with the level of care one would expect for an unskilled laborer. Subutai's return to the melee was enough to turn the tide for the Kompressor, and beastman Loki had the presence of mind to pick up the ball and score the equalizer before the end of the half.
The second half began as a testament to the nature of the game: occasionally inspiring, frequently cringeworthy. The Kompressor were dominating the line of scrimmage, leaving several Skaven stunned in the mud, but it took several attempts by the beastmen to corral the ball and start the offense moving. Ankou finally picked the elusive ball up, and got the Big Grey Machine rolling forward. The massive Ratz attempted to stymie Ankou's progress, but tripped and fell, and spent the remainder of the drive angrily roaring at the sky. When the touchdown seemed secured, the Chaos squad appeared content to hold off and let time tick away, but a surge of gutter runners managed to shove Ankou into the end zone, allowing them some small shred of time with which to battle back.
The Kompressor smartly set up a prevent defense, allowing the Skaven to gain ground but hopefully keeping them from tying the score once more. The Warriors weren't about to quit, though, and a surge downfield led by Ratz gained them significant ground. Thrower Skitter passed the ball off to Krahzi Greycloak, and while the beastmen did their best, they couldn't knock over the diminutive and dodgy Skaven. Greycloak scored, and time expired, resulting in a spirited, if unsatisfying, tie match.
MVPs of the game were Hades of the Kompressor and Steelfur of the Warriors.
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The final match saw the mysterious Alexslamdria Niledrivers against the heavy-hitting horde of the Ghazghkull Thrashas. From start to finish it was clear to see what kind of game the Thrashas had come to play, and the tone they set echoed throughout the stadium and through the skulls of those players they knocked over. Barely concerned with the ball, the orcs throttled everything they could, dishing out severe injuries to blitzers Cleosmacktra and Tuts McGee. The battle was so intense that the orcs forgot that there was, in fact, a game to be won, and by the time they had remembered what they were supposed to do with the ball, time had run out in the first half.
Things did not go much better for the Niledrivers after halftime. They managed a single passing play before the green tide of orcish fury washed over them. Another injury was suffered, this time by a linewoman with too much mud on her uniform to identify her, courtesy of hard-tackling line orc Forq, with a patented bodyslam move he calls the Forqlift. His linemate Zorq got his calloused hands on the ball, and after what seemed like an eternity (or two eternities for the beleaguered Niledrivers) the Thrashas scored the only touchdown of the game.
MVPs of the match were Forq of the Thrashas, who had great success in tackling down the nimble Niledrivers, and a linewoman who couldn't be identified, or at least wasn't prepared to give our correspondent any comment other than a punch in the kidney.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Friday, December 13, 2013
Manarchists, All-Spars Battle to Clear-Cut Draw; Taints Blow Out Stinkers
Wraithfire Conference kicked off its side of the Dungeonbowl tournament this past Monday, and unlike the proceedings over in Terrorskull, the games weren't exclusively routs, nor did any team become lost after falling into a gaping chasm.Leading off our coverage this time is the age-old rivalry between Elves and Dwarves. Complete opposites in terms of their play styles, these two races, though allies in so many timeless epics of verse and prose, like nothing more than to prove their superiority at every chance. The Mad-Hattan Manarchists and Holly-Wood All-Spars are the latest teams to do battle in this great rivalry, and both squads played with great pride.
The animosity was barely containable, and before the match even began, officials had to forcefully separate players to ensure that the match would even take place. When the kickoff finally was made, things got a bit embarrassing for the normally-graceful Wood Elves. A pass downfield was bobbled by Wardancer Mr. Teak and catcher Bruce Willows, Something which cost them precious time as dwarves closed in from all sides. Lineelf Hickory Swank was knocked out in the melee by the dwarf blocker Blitz Mightystump, and martial arts expert Spruce Lee was kicked soundly in the noggin by the crazy-eyed Fisty Ironflank. Luckily for the troll slayer, the officials didn't catch the blatant foul. Unluckily for Spruce Lee, Fisty was wearing a set of studded brass toe rings, giving the highly-paid wardancer a serious concussion. On the bright side for the elves, Bruce Willows managed to break free with the ball in hand, and galloped into the end zone for a touchdown. The numerous elven fans on hand echoed his cry of "Yippee Kay Yay, Speckled Alder!" Many wondered why he chose to run barefoot.
The elves were beginning to feel good about their game despite the injury to their player, but that wouldn't last to halftime as the ensuing kickoff saw Fisty Ironflank at it again, springboarding himself forward in a frenzy of cursing and belching, and punching a very messy hole in lineelf Mahogany Freeman's torso. The elves live by a philosophy of bending rather than breaking, in the face of enemies of great strength. It would seem that the late mister Freeman was not much of a philosopher.
The second half played out as precariously as the first, with injury scares coming on both sides. Mr Teak was pushed roughly into the crowd, but as luck would have it, he landed in the arms of several All-Spars fans, who supported him as he crowd-surfed back to the team's dugout. Then, as the dwarves began setting up a protective cage for ball carrier Dutch Thunderforce, Blitzer Stud Rippingblood tripped and landed awkwardly on his beard, forcing him to leave the match with what medical staff described as "a non-threatening hair malfunction". Whatever that means, he sat the rest of the game out.
The dwarf cage plan worked well, and though the elven defense did their best to cede as little ground as possible to the stout Manarchists, Dutch Thunderforce eventually rumbled into the end zone and screamed "DUTCHDOWN!" To the delight of every rowdy, drunken dwarf in attendance. The match thereafter became a true war of attrition with the All-Spars suffering heavy losses on the line of scrimmage. Several knockouts occurred, and Brock Bouldertower, tall for a dwarf at a lofty 4'7", leveled the flamboyantly-clad Rue Palm, eliminating yet another Wood Elf from contention. It seemed as though time surged by unnoticed amid the crunchy, splotchy action, and the final whistle sounded before either team could manage another score. The final result, a 1-1 draw, though you'd be hard-pressed to tell the All-Spars that they hadn't lost in some respect.
MVPs of the match were the All-Spars' Rue Palm, presumably for his sense of style, and line dwarf Blitz Mightystump, who was far too drunk to comment.
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The second match looked lopsided on paper, and it's unfortunate for the Fort Muenster Stinkers that no one showed them that paper. The Goblin fans on hand outnumbered the Orc supporters on hand to watch their New Orcleans Taints, presumably because they sat on each others' shoulders and wore large ponchos to get two in for the price of one.
The Goblins received the kickoff, and seemed confident in their ability to score, until their pogo stick operator, Boingo Wossname, failed to stick the landing on a leap. With the scoring threat neutralized, the Taints did what they do best, which is pick on people smaller than themselves. Coagula Seizure started the hit parade, putting the diminutive Zim Zebow out of commission for the remainder of the day. Following his lead was lineorc Cryatolla Da Meanie, who sent Hurk Dipstink away on a stretcher. For some reason, seeing a teammate copy his crushing success only made Coagula angrier, the brunt of which was borne by the hapless Ziddy Blotch, who was taken away in a wheelbarrow since the stretcher was currently in use.
The Stinkers' trolls, Windmill Widegut and Thump Slopmug, fared little better, as the diminishing number of tiny green friends dwindled and more orcs were able to pile in against the hulking fellows, and both of them wound up getting knocked out for the balance of the half. Cryatolla Da Meanie, meanwhile, had gotten his hands onto the ball despite everyone's commitment to ignoring it, and stood near the end zone. He didn't think to score until a teammate came up to block his view of the wholesale thrashing going on back upfield. Before he wandered in for the score, two more casualties were counted, as Maulhammer Goredafy punched Flunk Spitgob so hard that he was off the field before the medical staff could be notified. Scarier still for the Stinkers was blitzer Grim Jong Kill's nauseating blow to the sternum of Skip Skungle, who was pronounced deadish, until the team doctor beat him with the healthy stick, which is either a medical marvel or a great way to tell if a goblin is faking his death. At last, the orcs scored their touchdown and the half came to a close.
Bolstered slightly by the awakening of both unconscious trolls, the Stinkers kicked the ball over to the Taints, though it didn't go nearly far enough to get over the half line. On the touchback, the ball was given to black orc blocker Gaul Gut, who raised an eyebrow in disbelief. If we had the proper magical media editing tools we'd have assembled a montage for Gut's impressive run downfield. Slow motion wouldn't be necessary given the black orc's practically geological pace, but if you close your eyes and think about it, and maybe include a tune by your favorite minstrels, it will bring a smile to your face. Every conceivable goblin defense plan was thwarted, as bomber Blech Bomble attempted to lob an explosive towards the black orc and instead dropped the thing back into the bag. The resulting detonation was catastrophic, and Bomble's day ended quite shortly thereafter.
The goblins did manage a few flashes of brilliance, or at least the goblin equivalent thereof. The near-dead Skip Skungle managed to trip up and casually foul line orc Grimerick Grimmler without being detected. Immediately after that, Rippy Cheddar, the Stinkers' chainsaw-wielding poster boy for poor social integration, gave black orc Maulhammer Goredafy a crash course in extreme scarification, rendering the big fellow very bloody, though no permanent damage was sustained. Gaul Gut rumbled in for the touchdown, and with little time left and even less personnel, it looked like game over for the Stinkers.
The Taints, however, weren't through yet. On the following kickoff, the orcs mounted a vicious blitz and blitzer Flaydolf Critler snatched up the ball. The goblins, ever foolish and stubborn, refused to simply roll over. Or, rather, the trolls refused to allow them to. Windmill Widegut snatched up teammate Donker Dungheap, hurled him into coverage, and roared happily as the goblin managed a safe landing. Inspired by his team actually accomplish something, Doot Doodle Ootdoot took a screaming, flailing run at the Taints' thrower, Brick Chiney. The little goblin vaulted up onto Chiney's thigh and smashed his helmet square under the orc's chin, sending him down like a halfling in a turkey coma. Though no permanent damage was sustained by Chiney, his pride may take some time to heal.
The Taints responded by fouling a downed Thump Slopmug, who shrugged off what appeared to be a horrible injury, and then ate a clod of dirt on his way off the field. Sensing that there was no way to stop the orcs yet again, the goblins reverted to picking fights here and there. Skip Skungle set about throwing a hit on blitzer Gorechief Mangley, but it was the orc who prevailed, and Skungle was dragged away to count his lucky stars as they danced around his head. Coagula Seizure then completed his trifecta of runt punting by putting Donker Dungheap out of commission. At last, with barely any goblins left on the field, Flaydolf Critler strode into the end zone and saluted the crowd. The final score: Taints 3, Stinkers 0.
Match MVP awards went to the Stinkers' Rippy Cheddar, presumably for his can-opener routine on Maulhammer Goredafy, and to the Taints' Grim Jong Kill for nearly killing somebody due to his prolific tackling skill. Notable as well was the hellishly inspired violence perpetrated by Coagula Seizure, who counted three casualties in a single match, likely a mark that will stand for some time.
The animosity was barely containable, and before the match even began, officials had to forcefully separate players to ensure that the match would even take place. When the kickoff finally was made, things got a bit embarrassing for the normally-graceful Wood Elves. A pass downfield was bobbled by Wardancer Mr. Teak and catcher Bruce Willows, Something which cost them precious time as dwarves closed in from all sides. Lineelf Hickory Swank was knocked out in the melee by the dwarf blocker Blitz Mightystump, and martial arts expert Spruce Lee was kicked soundly in the noggin by the crazy-eyed Fisty Ironflank. Luckily for the troll slayer, the officials didn't catch the blatant foul. Unluckily for Spruce Lee, Fisty was wearing a set of studded brass toe rings, giving the highly-paid wardancer a serious concussion. On the bright side for the elves, Bruce Willows managed to break free with the ball in hand, and galloped into the end zone for a touchdown. The numerous elven fans on hand echoed his cry of "Yippee Kay Yay, Speckled Alder!" Many wondered why he chose to run barefoot.
The elves were beginning to feel good about their game despite the injury to their player, but that wouldn't last to halftime as the ensuing kickoff saw Fisty Ironflank at it again, springboarding himself forward in a frenzy of cursing and belching, and punching a very messy hole in lineelf Mahogany Freeman's torso. The elves live by a philosophy of bending rather than breaking, in the face of enemies of great strength. It would seem that the late mister Freeman was not much of a philosopher.
The second half played out as precariously as the first, with injury scares coming on both sides. Mr Teak was pushed roughly into the crowd, but as luck would have it, he landed in the arms of several All-Spars fans, who supported him as he crowd-surfed back to the team's dugout. Then, as the dwarves began setting up a protective cage for ball carrier Dutch Thunderforce, Blitzer Stud Rippingblood tripped and landed awkwardly on his beard, forcing him to leave the match with what medical staff described as "a non-threatening hair malfunction". Whatever that means, he sat the rest of the game out.
The dwarf cage plan worked well, and though the elven defense did their best to cede as little ground as possible to the stout Manarchists, Dutch Thunderforce eventually rumbled into the end zone and screamed "DUTCHDOWN!" To the delight of every rowdy, drunken dwarf in attendance. The match thereafter became a true war of attrition with the All-Spars suffering heavy losses on the line of scrimmage. Several knockouts occurred, and Brock Bouldertower, tall for a dwarf at a lofty 4'7", leveled the flamboyantly-clad Rue Palm, eliminating yet another Wood Elf from contention. It seemed as though time surged by unnoticed amid the crunchy, splotchy action, and the final whistle sounded before either team could manage another score. The final result, a 1-1 draw, though you'd be hard-pressed to tell the All-Spars that they hadn't lost in some respect.
MVPs of the match were the All-Spars' Rue Palm, presumably for his sense of style, and line dwarf Blitz Mightystump, who was far too drunk to comment.
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The second match looked lopsided on paper, and it's unfortunate for the Fort Muenster Stinkers that no one showed them that paper. The Goblin fans on hand outnumbered the Orc supporters on hand to watch their New Orcleans Taints, presumably because they sat on each others' shoulders and wore large ponchos to get two in for the price of one.
The Goblins received the kickoff, and seemed confident in their ability to score, until their pogo stick operator, Boingo Wossname, failed to stick the landing on a leap. With the scoring threat neutralized, the Taints did what they do best, which is pick on people smaller than themselves. Coagula Seizure started the hit parade, putting the diminutive Zim Zebow out of commission for the remainder of the day. Following his lead was lineorc Cryatolla Da Meanie, who sent Hurk Dipstink away on a stretcher. For some reason, seeing a teammate copy his crushing success only made Coagula angrier, the brunt of which was borne by the hapless Ziddy Blotch, who was taken away in a wheelbarrow since the stretcher was currently in use.
The Stinkers' trolls, Windmill Widegut and Thump Slopmug, fared little better, as the diminishing number of tiny green friends dwindled and more orcs were able to pile in against the hulking fellows, and both of them wound up getting knocked out for the balance of the half. Cryatolla Da Meanie, meanwhile, had gotten his hands onto the ball despite everyone's commitment to ignoring it, and stood near the end zone. He didn't think to score until a teammate came up to block his view of the wholesale thrashing going on back upfield. Before he wandered in for the score, two more casualties were counted, as Maulhammer Goredafy punched Flunk Spitgob so hard that he was off the field before the medical staff could be notified. Scarier still for the Stinkers was blitzer Grim Jong Kill's nauseating blow to the sternum of Skip Skungle, who was pronounced deadish, until the team doctor beat him with the healthy stick, which is either a medical marvel or a great way to tell if a goblin is faking his death. At last, the orcs scored their touchdown and the half came to a close.
Bolstered slightly by the awakening of both unconscious trolls, the Stinkers kicked the ball over to the Taints, though it didn't go nearly far enough to get over the half line. On the touchback, the ball was given to black orc blocker Gaul Gut, who raised an eyebrow in disbelief. If we had the proper magical media editing tools we'd have assembled a montage for Gut's impressive run downfield. Slow motion wouldn't be necessary given the black orc's practically geological pace, but if you close your eyes and think about it, and maybe include a tune by your favorite minstrels, it will bring a smile to your face. Every conceivable goblin defense plan was thwarted, as bomber Blech Bomble attempted to lob an explosive towards the black orc and instead dropped the thing back into the bag. The resulting detonation was catastrophic, and Bomble's day ended quite shortly thereafter.
The goblins did manage a few flashes of brilliance, or at least the goblin equivalent thereof. The near-dead Skip Skungle managed to trip up and casually foul line orc Grimerick Grimmler without being detected. Immediately after that, Rippy Cheddar, the Stinkers' chainsaw-wielding poster boy for poor social integration, gave black orc Maulhammer Goredafy a crash course in extreme scarification, rendering the big fellow very bloody, though no permanent damage was sustained. Gaul Gut rumbled in for the touchdown, and with little time left and even less personnel, it looked like game over for the Stinkers.
The Taints, however, weren't through yet. On the following kickoff, the orcs mounted a vicious blitz and blitzer Flaydolf Critler snatched up the ball. The goblins, ever foolish and stubborn, refused to simply roll over. Or, rather, the trolls refused to allow them to. Windmill Widegut snatched up teammate Donker Dungheap, hurled him into coverage, and roared happily as the goblin managed a safe landing. Inspired by his team actually accomplish something, Doot Doodle Ootdoot took a screaming, flailing run at the Taints' thrower, Brick Chiney. The little goblin vaulted up onto Chiney's thigh and smashed his helmet square under the orc's chin, sending him down like a halfling in a turkey coma. Though no permanent damage was sustained by Chiney, his pride may take some time to heal.
The Taints responded by fouling a downed Thump Slopmug, who shrugged off what appeared to be a horrible injury, and then ate a clod of dirt on his way off the field. Sensing that there was no way to stop the orcs yet again, the goblins reverted to picking fights here and there. Skip Skungle set about throwing a hit on blitzer Gorechief Mangley, but it was the orc who prevailed, and Skungle was dragged away to count his lucky stars as they danced around his head. Coagula Seizure then completed his trifecta of runt punting by putting Donker Dungheap out of commission. At last, with barely any goblins left on the field, Flaydolf Critler strode into the end zone and saluted the crowd. The final score: Taints 3, Stinkers 0.
Match MVP awards went to the Stinkers' Rippy Cheddar, presumably for his can-opener routine on Maulhammer Goredafy, and to the Taints' Grim Jong Kill for nearly killing somebody due to his prolific tackling skill. Notable as well was the hellishly inspired violence perpetrated by Coagula Seizure, who counted three casualties in a single match, likely a mark that will stand for some time.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Mighty Men and Leaping Lizards
We're back with more coverage from last week's Terrorskull Conference matches.
Next up is the classic battle of humans and orcs, as timeless as battle itself in the annals of history. Widespread slaughter has given way to confined, regulated slaughter however, as the Araby Falcons took on the Qamaja Rouglrejirz. The match's start was marked by a blistering wave of heat passing through the stadium grounds, adding "pungent sweat" to the list of things stinking up the arena. The Falcons' offense, however, reeked only of success, as a passing play from Marcus Sanchez to fellow thrower Mathius Ice started off a sterling series of plays. Ice then threw the ball in turn to catcher Arthur Jaris Green, who ran the ball in for a touchdown.
While the weather was bright and incredibly hot, a figurative black cloud hovered over the Rouglrejirz's heads. The heat had left several orc players dehydrated and woozy, and those few had to sit out the next drive with ice-cold cans of refreshing Orca Cola strapped to their foreheads. Things began to clear up for the Rouglrejirz when thrower Abbas completed a pass to Sakgu the blitzer. the green line was holding up better as well, highlighted by fellow blitzer Magub throttling the Falcons' Cassius Matthews and ending the human lineman's day prematurely. Unfortunately for the orcs, time ran out in the half before they could develop the play further.
The heat finally broke once the second half began, along with a few bones. Falcons blitzer Rowan Lewis laid a powerful hit on black orc Digdug, leaving the latter a mangled heap on the pitch. Medical staff later confirmed that Digdug would miss the following week's match, but hadn't told him that yet because they weren't too keen on getting torn in half. Presumably they will let the Rouglrejirz's coach break the news to the wounded player. Following the injury, the Falcons returned to their stellar offensive play, as Marcus Sanchez completed another pass, this time to catcher Carac Johnson. Johnson ran for the end zone and wasn't caught, bringing the score to 2-0 for Araby.
Despite the deficit, the Rouglrejirz's coach was no less vocal than usual, and a torrent of cursing and yelling seemed to inspire the team somewhat. Not a lot came of it, however, and the speedy humans danced around the depleted orcs for yet another touchdown, this time at the hands of blitzer Jarin Jarin Watts. Adding insult to injury, they brought a blitz on the next kickoff, and lineman Janshai Pierre Paul put the exclamation point on the game by taking black orc Gujarek painfully to the ground. The final score was 3-0 for Araby. MVP awards for the match went to Thomas Lang of the Falcons, and to Unrugagh of the Rouglrejirz.
The final game of the day saw the Lizardman squad of the Tri-City Theropod Thrashers take on the Mordrock Murderers, representing the Gods of Chaos. Many of the details of the match were lost due to our on-site reporter contracting a bizarre form of dementia, but he did manage to scribble a few things down before he ran screaming into the cold night clad in nothing but a vest made of carrots.
The first half was fairly dominated by the lizardmen, whose names we have so far not been able to translate properly. Touchdowns were scored by skinks number 10 and 11, and saurus number 2 brutally knocked over beastman Alex Hawhack, leaving him in need of an extended stay at the infirmary. The second half saw more skink scoring, and though the Murderers didn't put points on the board, they did put some Thrashers on stretchers. Ken Kaos, who completed a pass for the Murderers at the end of the first half, took down a lowly skink with a vicious charge. Soon thereafter, Chaos warrior Warren Massacre dealt a hammerblow to a saurus which saw the lizard spend the rest of the day in a hammock with a painkiller smoothie. The casualties weren't enough to stem the tide of scaly scoring, however, as skink number 12 scored on a broken play which was highlighted by a usually-clumsy saurus catching a pass from a skink before being stripped of the ball later on. The final score was 3-0 for the Thrashers, with MVP accolades going to their skink number 8, as well as to the Murderers' Darren Von Reemer.
Stay tuned to this channel, sports fiends, as tomorrow marks the kickoff of hostilities for the Western Conference, known as Wraithfire!
Next up is the classic battle of humans and orcs, as timeless as battle itself in the annals of history. Widespread slaughter has given way to confined, regulated slaughter however, as the Araby Falcons took on the Qamaja Rouglrejirz. The match's start was marked by a blistering wave of heat passing through the stadium grounds, adding "pungent sweat" to the list of things stinking up the arena. The Falcons' offense, however, reeked only of success, as a passing play from Marcus Sanchez to fellow thrower Mathius Ice started off a sterling series of plays. Ice then threw the ball in turn to catcher Arthur Jaris Green, who ran the ball in for a touchdown.
While the weather was bright and incredibly hot, a figurative black cloud hovered over the Rouglrejirz's heads. The heat had left several orc players dehydrated and woozy, and those few had to sit out the next drive with ice-cold cans of refreshing Orca Cola strapped to their foreheads. Things began to clear up for the Rouglrejirz when thrower Abbas completed a pass to Sakgu the blitzer. the green line was holding up better as well, highlighted by fellow blitzer Magub throttling the Falcons' Cassius Matthews and ending the human lineman's day prematurely. Unfortunately for the orcs, time ran out in the half before they could develop the play further.
The heat finally broke once the second half began, along with a few bones. Falcons blitzer Rowan Lewis laid a powerful hit on black orc Digdug, leaving the latter a mangled heap on the pitch. Medical staff later confirmed that Digdug would miss the following week's match, but hadn't told him that yet because they weren't too keen on getting torn in half. Presumably they will let the Rouglrejirz's coach break the news to the wounded player. Following the injury, the Falcons returned to their stellar offensive play, as Marcus Sanchez completed another pass, this time to catcher Carac Johnson. Johnson ran for the end zone and wasn't caught, bringing the score to 2-0 for Araby.
Despite the deficit, the Rouglrejirz's coach was no less vocal than usual, and a torrent of cursing and yelling seemed to inspire the team somewhat. Not a lot came of it, however, and the speedy humans danced around the depleted orcs for yet another touchdown, this time at the hands of blitzer Jarin Jarin Watts. Adding insult to injury, they brought a blitz on the next kickoff, and lineman Janshai Pierre Paul put the exclamation point on the game by taking black orc Gujarek painfully to the ground. The final score was 3-0 for Araby. MVP awards for the match went to Thomas Lang of the Falcons, and to Unrugagh of the Rouglrejirz.
The final game of the day saw the Lizardman squad of the Tri-City Theropod Thrashers take on the Mordrock Murderers, representing the Gods of Chaos. Many of the details of the match were lost due to our on-site reporter contracting a bizarre form of dementia, but he did manage to scribble a few things down before he ran screaming into the cold night clad in nothing but a vest made of carrots.
The first half was fairly dominated by the lizardmen, whose names we have so far not been able to translate properly. Touchdowns were scored by skinks number 10 and 11, and saurus number 2 brutally knocked over beastman Alex Hawhack, leaving him in need of an extended stay at the infirmary. The second half saw more skink scoring, and though the Murderers didn't put points on the board, they did put some Thrashers on stretchers. Ken Kaos, who completed a pass for the Murderers at the end of the first half, took down a lowly skink with a vicious charge. Soon thereafter, Chaos warrior Warren Massacre dealt a hammerblow to a saurus which saw the lizard spend the rest of the day in a hammock with a painkiller smoothie. The casualties weren't enough to stem the tide of scaly scoring, however, as skink number 12 scored on a broken play which was highlighted by a usually-clumsy saurus catching a pass from a skink before being stripped of the ball later on. The final score was 3-0 for the Thrashers, with MVP accolades going to their skink number 8, as well as to the Murderers' Darren Von Reemer.
Stay tuned to this channel, sports fiends, as tomorrow marks the kickoff of hostilities for the Western Conference, known as Wraithfire!
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Terrorskull Conference Kicks Off its Inaugural Season
Three out of four scheduled matches were played this past Tuesday to mark the beginning of the Loyalist City Blood Bowl League's first season, and specifically the Terrorskull Conference's first day of sorts carnage. This Eastern half of the LCBBL promises brutal action and strong fundamental play, assuming your idea of fundamentals is centered around physical violence instead of necessarily scoring points.
Unfortunately, one of our teams was eliminated from contention before even getting to play a single game. On their way to meet the Bonesmoor Ravens for their match, an unknown Orc team was completely lost when their caravan attempted to cross a rickety bridge over a deep chasm. The bridge gave out, and the full compliment of players, coaches, cheerleaders, medical staff, traveling fans, and assorted innocent bystanders fell into the gap, never to be seen again. Perhaps one or two survived to found an Underworld league? We may never know. As a result of the tragedy, the Bonesmoor Ravens were awarded the win and the spoils. Luckily for us, there were three more games to sate our appetite for destruction this day.
The first game to successfully begin saw the Winterplague Embalmers, an Undead squad from the frozen northern reaches of the world, face the Ogreland Raydurzz, a team of Ogres and Snotlings from the cratered wastelands. The game began poorly for the Raydurzz, as the opening drive was punctuated by a skull flying out of the stands and smacking Ogre Bill Tinfoul square in the forehead, sending the big fella down for a short nap.With the Raydurzz already at a disadvantage, the Embalmers set their running offense in motion as ghoul runner John Hellway scooped up the ball and made his way over midfield. The Raydurzz attempted to fill the game left by Tinfoul's spontaneous close-up encounter with the pitch by sending Snotlings in to take his place. This did not go so well. Lucky made strides to plug up the line of scrimmage, but tripped and pinched a nerve. He was followed to the infirmary by teammate Thumbs, who suffered a fractured leg after a collision by the Embalmers' team captain, the ghoul Tomb Brady. With the Ogre defense in disarray, Hellway made great strides to the end zone and scored the first touchdown in the league's history, but not before another Snotling, this time the luckless Ooozze, slipped in a pile of Ogre spit and broke his little neck.
On the ensuing kickoff, a parade of stretchers began carrying numerous knocked out players to their sidelines, with Ogre Rollin Thunder turning Zombie Dreg Bumble's lights out. This was followed by Snotling Wheels tossing a teeny, tiny pass to teammate Chuck, who regrettably fell down and went boom, and was dragged away to the recovery room. Undead Wight Dante Sinferno followed up by clobbering Fumbler, and another Snotling was bound for a pile of hay and a nose full of smelling salts. In the dying seconds of the half, Ghoul Ben Rottensburger got a hold of the ball and lobbed it to Troy Achemoan, but time ran out before the Undead could score again.
The second half started well for the Raydurzz as the recently-awoken Fumbler tossed a pass to his good friend Squish, who then handed it off to Wheels. Snotling spirits were high until Rowdy Rotty Pulper, one of the Embalmers' towering Mummies, soundly stomped Crazy into a mushy paste beneath his heavy foot. Truly, Crazy died how he had lived. After a bout of pushing and shoving, the ball popped loose from Wheels' grasp, and John Hellway once again gained possession. Things were going well for Hellway - the Ogres even seemed to be having a little group nap. A committee of Snotlings managed to bring him down along the sidelines, however, and the ball flew into the stands. It seemed as though the Embalmers had a little extra "talent" up there, because the throw-in went directly to Dante Sinferno and the drive continued. Troy Achemoan helped clear the way by sending Sprinkles the Snotling to the infirmary, and as Sinferno rolled into the end zone, the game devolved (or evolved, depending upon your point of view) into a brawl full of fouls and punches, Notably with Ben Rottensburger injuring Snotling Aaahhs, Heeve Ho the Ogre booting Zombie Cruddy Lunge in the head, and Fluddy Ditch being tossed for trying to knee-drop Bill Tinfoul. The final score was 2-0 for the Winterplague Embalmers.
MVPs of the match were Will Blitz of the Raydurzz, and Dante Sinferno of the Embalmers, who displayed astonishing speed throughout the game.
We'll be back soon with coverage of the other two matches.
Unfortunately, one of our teams was eliminated from contention before even getting to play a single game. On their way to meet the Bonesmoor Ravens for their match, an unknown Orc team was completely lost when their caravan attempted to cross a rickety bridge over a deep chasm. The bridge gave out, and the full compliment of players, coaches, cheerleaders, medical staff, traveling fans, and assorted innocent bystanders fell into the gap, never to be seen again. Perhaps one or two survived to found an Underworld league? We may never know. As a result of the tragedy, the Bonesmoor Ravens were awarded the win and the spoils. Luckily for us, there were three more games to sate our appetite for destruction this day.
The first game to successfully begin saw the Winterplague Embalmers, an Undead squad from the frozen northern reaches of the world, face the Ogreland Raydurzz, a team of Ogres and Snotlings from the cratered wastelands. The game began poorly for the Raydurzz, as the opening drive was punctuated by a skull flying out of the stands and smacking Ogre Bill Tinfoul square in the forehead, sending the big fella down for a short nap.With the Raydurzz already at a disadvantage, the Embalmers set their running offense in motion as ghoul runner John Hellway scooped up the ball and made his way over midfield. The Raydurzz attempted to fill the game left by Tinfoul's spontaneous close-up encounter with the pitch by sending Snotlings in to take his place. This did not go so well. Lucky made strides to plug up the line of scrimmage, but tripped and pinched a nerve. He was followed to the infirmary by teammate Thumbs, who suffered a fractured leg after a collision by the Embalmers' team captain, the ghoul Tomb Brady. With the Ogre defense in disarray, Hellway made great strides to the end zone and scored the first touchdown in the league's history, but not before another Snotling, this time the luckless Ooozze, slipped in a pile of Ogre spit and broke his little neck.
On the ensuing kickoff, a parade of stretchers began carrying numerous knocked out players to their sidelines, with Ogre Rollin Thunder turning Zombie Dreg Bumble's lights out. This was followed by Snotling Wheels tossing a teeny, tiny pass to teammate Chuck, who regrettably fell down and went boom, and was dragged away to the recovery room. Undead Wight Dante Sinferno followed up by clobbering Fumbler, and another Snotling was bound for a pile of hay and a nose full of smelling salts. In the dying seconds of the half, Ghoul Ben Rottensburger got a hold of the ball and lobbed it to Troy Achemoan, but time ran out before the Undead could score again.
The second half started well for the Raydurzz as the recently-awoken Fumbler tossed a pass to his good friend Squish, who then handed it off to Wheels. Snotling spirits were high until Rowdy Rotty Pulper, one of the Embalmers' towering Mummies, soundly stomped Crazy into a mushy paste beneath his heavy foot. Truly, Crazy died how he had lived. After a bout of pushing and shoving, the ball popped loose from Wheels' grasp, and John Hellway once again gained possession. Things were going well for Hellway - the Ogres even seemed to be having a little group nap. A committee of Snotlings managed to bring him down along the sidelines, however, and the ball flew into the stands. It seemed as though the Embalmers had a little extra "talent" up there, because the throw-in went directly to Dante Sinferno and the drive continued. Troy Achemoan helped clear the way by sending Sprinkles the Snotling to the infirmary, and as Sinferno rolled into the end zone, the game devolved (or evolved, depending upon your point of view) into a brawl full of fouls and punches, Notably with Ben Rottensburger injuring Snotling Aaahhs, Heeve Ho the Ogre booting Zombie Cruddy Lunge in the head, and Fluddy Ditch being tossed for trying to knee-drop Bill Tinfoul. The final score was 2-0 for the Winterplague Embalmers.
MVPs of the match were Will Blitz of the Raydurzz, and Dante Sinferno of the Embalmers, who displayed astonishing speed throughout the game.
We'll be back soon with coverage of the other two matches.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
The Feel of Blood Bowl
Right off the bat, I'll say it: This is a fluff post. Not rules-oriented, not strategy-oriented. This is a post about part of what I think makes Blood Bowl fun.
As with any game with a fantasy bent to it, Blood Bowl takes place in a magical, otherworldly setting which allows for monsters, heroes, magic and danger. The major difference for Blood Bowl is that it adds the additional element of "being quite silly", which works great alongside the traditional fantasy loadout, as anyone who reads Discworld could tell you. The silliness is bolstered by the reality of these being tiny model football monsters on a board, plastic icons to push around and watch fall down. This is inescapable, and helps the game stay lighthearted, but ideally, Blood Bowl coaches should care about what's going on, and what becomes of their players. It lends them a degree of depth, and while you can write a story without depth, those stories are generally short and forgettable.
Football, and sports in general, may not be everyone's cup of tea, but it's inarguable that outfits like the NFL put the utmost care into building narratives and exalting the great deeds of their players. With that in mind, a Blood Bowl team should reflect the stories that its coach wants to hear told. When I ran the MMBBL -the first league I ran, in the Miramichi- There were players that everyone knew. Teams that were respected and feared. If you ask any of the players from that league who Beef Bigaxe was, they'd tell you instantly. If you asked them about Ol' Teabagger the ghoul, they'd be able to tell you his career stats, his star player points total, and recount with either glee or sadness how he was killed one day.
When you build your team, and its players, consider a few things. Firstly, embrace silliness but don't force it. The most subtle puns are often the best, and forcing a theme down the throats of sixteen players after it got old at two players will just make people cringe when they talk about your players. Secondly, avoid being excessively foul-mouthed, or at least be creative with it. Blood Bowl isn't necessarily a family game, but you have to wonder how a player named with a series of four letter words would go through life. Consider also looking back on your team fondly, thinking "Ah, I remember that touchdown scored by Poopy Buttlord". You're smart people. Use those brains, and make names that will be feared, revered, and remembered. Thirdly, Go easy on the sex jokes. If you must have one or two, be clever and subtle. Case in point: a name like "Roger Nightly" isn't overt and is still quite funny. "P. Nis" is weak and I will encourage people to go out of their way to render such a sad excuse for a player dead. Lastly, regarding team names specifically, avoid using real-world locations, but warping the names of places so they sound more fantasy-ish is wonderful. Teams have come out of Mashville, Spleen Bay, Orcland, and others. And nothing beats making up a name entirely, and creative wordsmiths can offer a hint of what their team is like just by the way the region they hail from sounds. A team from "Blackwater" is going to be different that one from "Gryphon Hill" or "Gutpulp Junction".
So far I've heard some great ideas for player names and team names from the coaches. If you think something might be a little risque, run it by me and at worst I'll offer feedback on how it could change. These names will go on trophies. Make them worthy.
Another thing I may bring in from previous league experience is the possibility of producing digital "sportscards" at the end of each season or year. These are done simply by taking photos of players and dropping them into a Flash-based framework, then adding the stats. We used drawings as well in the past, but not everyone in this league draws for a living so we'll probably skip that.
Lastly, your team logos. I will put this out there: I LOVE making team logos. If someone would pay me to sit at my computer and make up symbols for sports teams, I would do that for the rest of my life. If you have an idea you'd like me to explore, let me know! Pass along a sketch or doodle or whatever, and I'll try to get it committed to a polished logo, which will go up on the blog here for all to see. If you're inclined to draw one yourself, pass it on to me and I'll give it a little digital polish. If you're strapped for ideas, I'll happily give some suggestions.
As with any game with a fantasy bent to it, Blood Bowl takes place in a magical, otherworldly setting which allows for monsters, heroes, magic and danger. The major difference for Blood Bowl is that it adds the additional element of "being quite silly", which works great alongside the traditional fantasy loadout, as anyone who reads Discworld could tell you. The silliness is bolstered by the reality of these being tiny model football monsters on a board, plastic icons to push around and watch fall down. This is inescapable, and helps the game stay lighthearted, but ideally, Blood Bowl coaches should care about what's going on, and what becomes of their players. It lends them a degree of depth, and while you can write a story without depth, those stories are generally short and forgettable.
Football, and sports in general, may not be everyone's cup of tea, but it's inarguable that outfits like the NFL put the utmost care into building narratives and exalting the great deeds of their players. With that in mind, a Blood Bowl team should reflect the stories that its coach wants to hear told. When I ran the MMBBL -the first league I ran, in the Miramichi- There were players that everyone knew. Teams that were respected and feared. If you ask any of the players from that league who Beef Bigaxe was, they'd tell you instantly. If you asked them about Ol' Teabagger the ghoul, they'd be able to tell you his career stats, his star player points total, and recount with either glee or sadness how he was killed one day.
When you build your team, and its players, consider a few things. Firstly, embrace silliness but don't force it. The most subtle puns are often the best, and forcing a theme down the throats of sixteen players after it got old at two players will just make people cringe when they talk about your players. Secondly, avoid being excessively foul-mouthed, or at least be creative with it. Blood Bowl isn't necessarily a family game, but you have to wonder how a player named with a series of four letter words would go through life. Consider also looking back on your team fondly, thinking "Ah, I remember that touchdown scored by Poopy Buttlord". You're smart people. Use those brains, and make names that will be feared, revered, and remembered. Thirdly, Go easy on the sex jokes. If you must have one or two, be clever and subtle. Case in point: a name like "Roger Nightly" isn't overt and is still quite funny. "P. Nis" is weak and I will encourage people to go out of their way to render such a sad excuse for a player dead. Lastly, regarding team names specifically, avoid using real-world locations, but warping the names of places so they sound more fantasy-ish is wonderful. Teams have come out of Mashville, Spleen Bay, Orcland, and others. And nothing beats making up a name entirely, and creative wordsmiths can offer a hint of what their team is like just by the way the region they hail from sounds. A team from "Blackwater" is going to be different that one from "Gryphon Hill" or "Gutpulp Junction".
So far I've heard some great ideas for player names and team names from the coaches. If you think something might be a little risque, run it by me and at worst I'll offer feedback on how it could change. These names will go on trophies. Make them worthy.
Another thing I may bring in from previous league experience is the possibility of producing digital "sportscards" at the end of each season or year. These are done simply by taking photos of players and dropping them into a Flash-based framework, then adding the stats. We used drawings as well in the past, but not everyone in this league draws for a living so we'll probably skip that.
Lastly, your team logos. I will put this out there: I LOVE making team logos. If someone would pay me to sit at my computer and make up symbols for sports teams, I would do that for the rest of my life. If you have an idea you'd like me to explore, let me know! Pass along a sketch or doodle or whatever, and I'll try to get it committed to a polished logo, which will go up on the blog here for all to see. If you're inclined to draw one yourself, pass it on to me and I'll give it a little digital polish. If you're strapped for ideas, I'll happily give some suggestions.
Kickoff is Coming
It's happening at last, folks! Coaches are being rounded up and being taught, teams are being selected, and the Loyalist City Blood Bowl League is only a few small steps away from getting off the ground. Additionally, we have a "home base" location now, in the newly-renovated Heroes' Beacon (http://heroesbeacon.com/) hobby and game store in uptown Saint John, New Brunswick. We'll be adding a sideboard link for them in the near future.
We're looking at a starting coach roster of between six and ten players, and in some of the forthcoming posts we'll provide some brief bios about them and their chosen teams. First up will be myself, since I have all of that information immediately on hand and have had the last several years to think about it. If we reach the threshold of eight players, we will separate the teams into two divisions. If for some reason we ever get to sixteen teams in the league (which would be a cut-off point due to the logistics involved in wrangling that many people), we will spread into four divisions in two conferences.
Between seasons, if coaches want to experiment with different teams, they are free to shelf their initial roster and start up a new squad. Ideally this won't happen until everyone has a couple of seasons under their belts, but if someone really doesn't like the style of play associated with their chosen team, we can accommodate them easily enough.
After the league kicks off, we will not be adding coaches and teams until the start of the next season, a waiting period of between two and four months depending on which season is currently taking place. Feel free, of course, to bring friends along to watch the matches! If they want to help, they can assist with game records, which I will discuss later, or simply observe each game to get a feel for the different styles of play.
Currently we are looking into options for league dues and prize support. Ideally, we would each chip in a few dollars for prizes to be awarded at the end of each season. There would be, of course, a winner's prize, likely of store credit, as well as an award to the coach who owns the league's Most Valuable Player for the season. While I'm happy to provide my extensive collection of figures for the league, I'm sure everyone would want to eventually have their own figures, in their own colours, representing the players they've come to hold dear.
Finally, the LCBBL will not simply remain static in terms of rules. While the core concepts of the game will remain the same according to the Living Rule Book 5.0, there are many elements which can be added to give the league some uniqueness. Things like personalized arenas, player bounties, trades, etc, will be brought in on a trial basis once players are comfortable with the existing rules.
Look for more posts today and in the coming weeks as we ramp up to kickoff!
We're looking at a starting coach roster of between six and ten players, and in some of the forthcoming posts we'll provide some brief bios about them and their chosen teams. First up will be myself, since I have all of that information immediately on hand and have had the last several years to think about it. If we reach the threshold of eight players, we will separate the teams into two divisions. If for some reason we ever get to sixteen teams in the league (which would be a cut-off point due to the logistics involved in wrangling that many people), we will spread into four divisions in two conferences.
Between seasons, if coaches want to experiment with different teams, they are free to shelf their initial roster and start up a new squad. Ideally this won't happen until everyone has a couple of seasons under their belts, but if someone really doesn't like the style of play associated with their chosen team, we can accommodate them easily enough.
After the league kicks off, we will not be adding coaches and teams until the start of the next season, a waiting period of between two and four months depending on which season is currently taking place. Feel free, of course, to bring friends along to watch the matches! If they want to help, they can assist with game records, which I will discuss later, or simply observe each game to get a feel for the different styles of play.
Currently we are looking into options for league dues and prize support. Ideally, we would each chip in a few dollars for prizes to be awarded at the end of each season. There would be, of course, a winner's prize, likely of store credit, as well as an award to the coach who owns the league's Most Valuable Player for the season. While I'm happy to provide my extensive collection of figures for the league, I'm sure everyone would want to eventually have their own figures, in their own colours, representing the players they've come to hold dear.
Finally, the LCBBL will not simply remain static in terms of rules. While the core concepts of the game will remain the same according to the Living Rule Book 5.0, there are many elements which can be added to give the league some uniqueness. Things like personalized arenas, player bounties, trades, etc, will be brought in on a trial basis once players are comfortable with the existing rules.
Look for more posts today and in the coming weeks as we ramp up to kickoff!
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Let's Try This Again!
It looks like we're finally getting off the ground. Surprisingly (to me at least), there has been little interest in forming a league here in Saint John. Efforts to do so suffered a blow when I had to move out of the city proper and into the suburbs. As luck would have it though, a small group of interested players have finally come together. Additionally, our favorite hangout is reinventing itself as a full-time game and comic store, which gives us a place not only to play, but to showcase our game for those who might be curious.
At this point we're starting out much like the first days of the MMBBL. Four players, likely infrequent and casual games to get everyone used to the league environment. I am the only experienced player in the mix, so this will be a learning process.
So our roster of coaches is as follows:
Matt "The Commissioner" Stroud
"Mean Ballin'" Tina Collins
Rob "Rushing" Watters
Dave "The Shark" Clark
As always, nicknames are subject to change since I just made these up while doing this post and haven't so much as asked the coaches about them.
As for the teams involved, we currently have Orc, Amazon, and Wood Elf rosters. I haven't made my decision yet, but we might need some dwarves to counteract all that skill...
At this point we're starting out much like the first days of the MMBBL. Four players, likely infrequent and casual games to get everyone used to the league environment. I am the only experienced player in the mix, so this will be a learning process.
So our roster of coaches is as follows:
Matt "The Commissioner" Stroud
"Mean Ballin'" Tina Collins
Rob "Rushing" Watters
Dave "The Shark" Clark
As always, nicknames are subject to change since I just made these up while doing this post and haven't so much as asked the coaches about them.
As for the teams involved, we currently have Orc, Amazon, and Wood Elf rosters. I haven't made my decision yet, but we might need some dwarves to counteract all that skill...
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