Wraithfire Conference kicked off its side of the Dungeonbowl tournament this past Monday, and unlike the proceedings over in Terrorskull, the games weren't exclusively routs, nor did any team become lost after falling into a gaping chasm.Leading off our coverage this time is the age-old rivalry between Elves and Dwarves. Complete opposites in terms of their play styles, these two races, though allies in so many timeless epics of verse and prose, like nothing more than to prove their superiority at every chance. The Mad-Hattan Manarchists and Holly-Wood All-Spars are the latest teams to do battle in this great rivalry, and both squads played with great pride.
The animosity was barely containable, and before the match even began, officials had to forcefully separate players to ensure that the match would even take place. When the kickoff finally was made, things got a bit embarrassing for the normally-graceful Wood Elves. A pass downfield was bobbled by Wardancer Mr. Teak and catcher Bruce Willows, Something which cost them precious time as dwarves closed in from all sides. Lineelf Hickory Swank was knocked out in the melee by the dwarf blocker Blitz Mightystump, and martial arts expert Spruce Lee was kicked soundly in the noggin by the crazy-eyed Fisty Ironflank. Luckily for the troll slayer, the officials didn't catch the blatant foul. Unluckily for Spruce Lee, Fisty was wearing a set of studded brass toe rings, giving the highly-paid wardancer a serious concussion. On the bright side for the elves, Bruce Willows managed to break free with the ball in hand, and galloped into the end zone for a touchdown. The numerous elven fans on hand echoed his cry of "Yippee Kay Yay, Speckled Alder!" Many wondered why he chose to run barefoot.
The elves were beginning to feel good about their game despite the injury to their player, but that wouldn't last to halftime as the ensuing kickoff saw Fisty Ironflank at it again, springboarding himself forward in a frenzy of cursing and belching, and punching a very messy hole in lineelf Mahogany Freeman's torso. The elves live by a philosophy of bending rather than breaking, in the face of enemies of great strength. It would seem that the late mister Freeman was not much of a philosopher.
The second half played out as precariously as the first, with injury scares coming on both sides. Mr Teak was pushed roughly into the crowd, but as luck would have it, he landed in the arms of several All-Spars fans, who supported him as he crowd-surfed back to the team's dugout. Then, as the dwarves began setting up a protective cage for ball carrier Dutch Thunderforce, Blitzer Stud Rippingblood tripped and landed awkwardly on his beard, forcing him to leave the match with what medical staff described as "a non-threatening hair malfunction". Whatever that means, he sat the rest of the game out.
The dwarf cage plan worked well, and though the elven defense did their best to cede as little ground as possible to the stout Manarchists, Dutch Thunderforce eventually rumbled into the end zone and screamed "DUTCHDOWN!" To the delight of every rowdy, drunken dwarf in attendance. The match thereafter became a true war of attrition with the All-Spars suffering heavy losses on the line of scrimmage. Several knockouts occurred, and Brock Bouldertower, tall for a dwarf at a lofty 4'7", leveled the flamboyantly-clad Rue Palm, eliminating yet another Wood Elf from contention. It seemed as though time surged by unnoticed amid the crunchy, splotchy action, and the final whistle sounded before either team could manage another score. The final result, a 1-1 draw, though you'd be hard-pressed to tell the All-Spars that they hadn't lost in some respect.
MVPs of the match were the All-Spars' Rue Palm, presumably for his sense of style, and line dwarf Blitz Mightystump, who was far too drunk to comment.
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The second match looked lopsided on paper, and it's unfortunate for the Fort Muenster Stinkers that no one showed them that paper. The Goblin fans on hand outnumbered the Orc supporters on hand to watch their New Orcleans Taints, presumably because they sat on each others' shoulders and wore large ponchos to get two in for the price of one.
The Goblins received the kickoff, and seemed confident in their ability to score, until their pogo stick operator, Boingo Wossname, failed to stick the landing on a leap. With the scoring threat neutralized, the Taints did what they do best, which is pick on people smaller than themselves. Coagula Seizure started the hit parade, putting the diminutive Zim Zebow out of commission for the remainder of the day. Following his lead was lineorc Cryatolla Da Meanie, who sent Hurk Dipstink away on a stretcher. For some reason, seeing a teammate copy his crushing success only made Coagula angrier, the brunt of which was borne by the hapless Ziddy Blotch, who was taken away in a wheelbarrow since the stretcher was currently in use.
The Stinkers' trolls, Windmill Widegut and Thump Slopmug, fared little better, as the diminishing number of tiny green friends dwindled and more orcs were able to pile in against the hulking fellows, and both of them wound up getting knocked out for the balance of the half. Cryatolla Da Meanie, meanwhile, had gotten his hands onto the ball despite everyone's commitment to ignoring it, and stood near the end zone. He didn't think to score until a teammate came up to block his view of the wholesale thrashing going on back upfield. Before he wandered in for the score, two more casualties were counted, as Maulhammer Goredafy punched Flunk Spitgob so hard that he was off the field before the medical staff could be notified. Scarier still for the Stinkers was blitzer Grim Jong Kill's nauseating blow to the sternum of Skip Skungle, who was pronounced deadish, until the team doctor beat him with the healthy stick, which is either a medical marvel or a great way to tell if a goblin is faking his death. At last, the orcs scored their touchdown and the half came to a close.
Bolstered slightly by the awakening of both unconscious trolls, the Stinkers kicked the ball over to the Taints, though it didn't go nearly far enough to get over the half line. On the touchback, the ball was given to black orc blocker Gaul Gut, who raised an eyebrow in disbelief. If we had the proper magical media editing tools we'd have assembled a montage for Gut's impressive run downfield. Slow motion wouldn't be necessary given the black orc's practically geological pace, but if you close your eyes and think about it, and maybe include a tune by your favorite minstrels, it will bring a smile to your face. Every conceivable goblin defense plan was thwarted, as bomber Blech Bomble attempted to lob an explosive towards the black orc and instead dropped the thing back into the bag. The resulting detonation was catastrophic, and Bomble's day ended quite shortly thereafter.
The goblins did manage a few flashes of brilliance, or at least the goblin equivalent thereof. The near-dead Skip Skungle managed to trip up and casually foul line orc Grimerick Grimmler without being detected. Immediately after that, Rippy Cheddar, the Stinkers' chainsaw-wielding poster boy for poor social integration, gave black orc Maulhammer Goredafy a crash course in extreme scarification, rendering the big fellow very bloody, though no permanent damage was sustained. Gaul Gut rumbled in for the touchdown, and with little time left and even less personnel, it looked like game over for the Stinkers.
The Taints, however, weren't through yet. On the following kickoff, the orcs mounted a vicious blitz and blitzer Flaydolf Critler snatched up the ball. The goblins, ever foolish and stubborn, refused to simply roll over. Or, rather, the trolls refused to allow them to. Windmill Widegut snatched up teammate Donker Dungheap, hurled him into coverage, and roared happily as the goblin managed a safe landing. Inspired by his team actually accomplish something, Doot Doodle Ootdoot took a screaming, flailing run at the Taints' thrower, Brick Chiney. The little goblin vaulted up onto Chiney's thigh and smashed his helmet square under the orc's chin, sending him down like a halfling in a turkey coma. Though no permanent damage was sustained by Chiney, his pride may take some time to heal.
The Taints responded by fouling a downed Thump Slopmug, who shrugged off what appeared to be a horrible injury, and then ate a clod of dirt on his way off the field. Sensing that there was no way to stop the orcs yet again, the goblins reverted to picking fights here and there. Skip Skungle set about throwing a hit on blitzer Gorechief Mangley, but it was the orc who prevailed, and Skungle was dragged away to count his lucky stars as they danced around his head. Coagula Seizure then completed his trifecta of runt punting by putting Donker Dungheap out of commission. At last, with barely any goblins left on the field, Flaydolf Critler strode into the end zone and saluted the crowd. The final score: Taints 3, Stinkers 0.
Match MVP awards went to the Stinkers' Rippy Cheddar, presumably for his can-opener routine on Maulhammer Goredafy, and to the Taints' Grim Jong Kill for nearly killing somebody due to his prolific tackling skill. Notable as well was the hellishly inspired violence perpetrated by Coagula Seizure, who counted three casualties in a single match, likely a mark that will stand for some time.
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