Embalmers Cool Off Hot Human Offense

Another fine day for Blood Bowl brought two offensive dynamos together in the Terrorskull Conference finals. The Araby Falcons, coming off their heroic 4-3 triple overtime victory over the Tri-City Theropod Thrashers, and the undefeated Winterplague Embalmers, who edged the Qamaja Rouglrejirz to continue their playoff drive. The stadium filled up with fans, with slightly more dead in attendance than living, and the coin flip went to the humans, who would receive first.

What happened next is pure chaos. Reports tell us that everything started with an unappreciated comment about how Falcons' star receiver Arthur Jaris Green would be a very good player for the Embalmers to "make an offer to", which generally implies the death of the sought-after player. Tempers flared, drinks were spilled, and soon a brawl broke out in the stands, eventually spilling over onto the field of play. Half a dozen Araby players were driven into the dirt, while the Winterplague side only experienced a couple of such tumbles.

When the dust cleared and the game truly began, the Falcons started with their most reliable play, a perfect throw from Mathius Ice resulting in a perfect catch by Arthur Jaris Green. The Embalmers were ready for the play, however, and mere moments after Green had caught the ball, Wraith Lewis roared up and dragged the catcher to the ground, ripping the ball free as he fell and taking it for himself. A huge log jam of players piled up around the play, and human blitzer Aldai Peterson took down Wraith Lewis to send the ball tumbling free once more. Barda Urlacker, pressed up to the edge of the field by the undead, made a desperate move to get away and wound up falling onto the ball.

Zombie Dreg Bumble did his best to thin out the competition, leveling Arthur Jaris Green and nudging the unconscious catcher out of the way for the powerful John Hellway to get a hold of the ball. Hellway surged up the field, near to where fellow ghoul Tomb Brady had quietly advanced. Hellway lobbed a quick pass at Brady, who caught the ball and scampered in for the game's first touchdown.

Things went from bad to worse for the Falcons when, on the ensuing kickoff, the Embalmers played a six man rush to field the ball themselves! The ball landed and bounced right to speedy ghoul Ben Rottensburger, and suddenly the human team was on the defensive again. They might have stopped the ghoul too, were it not for a massive showdown at midfield ruining everyone's concentration. Falcons' ogre ManRam threw a huge punch at Embalmers' #1 mummy, Rowdy Rotty Pulper, just as Pulper was launching his own fist right at the ogre. Both players crumpled to the turf, unconscious, the ground shaking as they fell. By the time everyone had come to their senses, there was Ben Rottensburger, standing in the end zone. It was two to nothing for the Embalmers and not even the end of the first half yet.

On the next drive, the undead made yet another blitz, but there was no chance to snatch the ball away as the kick soared out of bounds. Mathius Ice began with the ball on the touchback, and with his favorite target Arthur Jaris Green still recovering from having his bell rung, Ice made his pass to Barda Urlacker, hoping the blitzer would be able to cut into the Embalmers' lead. Urlacker was quickly relieved of the ball by the defensive prowess of Wraith Lewis, but Aldai Peterson was on the spot to grab the discarded ball and lunge forward for a surprising score.

When next the ball was kicked into play, looming clouds gave way to a sudden downpour, and the wet ball began to play havoc with both teams' play. Ben Rottensburger picked up the ball with some difficulty, and his handoff to John Hellway was flubbed. Several players from both sides tried to settle the unruly squigskin down, but it wasn't to be. A little more violence punctuated the end of the first half, as Jarin Jarin Watts shoved Wraith Lewis into the stands to the joy of the undead fans he landed amid. Troy Achemoan managed to thump Mathius Ice hard enough to send the thrower off for an ice pack and a few minutes in the quiet room.

The second half began with rain still coming down hard. A high kick from the Falcons' defense gave John Hellway plenty of time to get to the ball, and he fielded it with confidence. Before he even reached midfield, though, attention focused elsewhere. Rowdy Rotty Pulper, ever the advocate for unconventional recruiting techniques, picked up human lineman Chad Meanway and impaled him on his helmet spike, proceeding then to spin the now-dead player around like a horizontal windmill of gore. Enraged at the loss of his comrade, ManRam broke out of coverage and tried to similarly do in John Hellway, but the crafty ghoul neatly dodged the blow.

The Embalmers' mummies were fired up for the second half, as it was now Crush Limblargh's turn to do someone harm. The towering fiend gave Barda Urlacker a big enough smack on the chest to temporarily tenderize his torso, and the blitzer had to be carted off to sit the rest of the match out. Zombie Wince Killspork added to the personnel problem by shoving Arthur Jaris Green out of bounds after he was surrounded by a group of ghouls. With so few left to defend against the oncoming run, John Hellway easily scored to make it a 3-1 game.

A high kick to Marcus Sanchez started the next drive, and Sanchez made the pass to Green with ease. The undead were still playing their game, though, and zombie Max Hunger barely noticed the play, busy as he was punching Jarin Jarin Watts until he was carted away. The ball was again knocked free by the stifling undead defense, and Troy Achemoan recovered it with the intention of passing to Tomb Brady. The ball scattered away from Brady, however, and eventually wound up in the bewildered mitts of Rowdy Rotty Pulper. Having no idea what to do with the ball, Pulper attempted to give it back to Brady, but the rain made short work of such endeavors, and time ran out for the play and for the Falcons. The Winterplague Embalmers were on their way to the championship game!

MVPs of the game were the sure-handed John Hellway of the Embalmers, and the strong-blocking Cassius Matthews of the Falcons. While the undead will advance to play for the title, the Falcons were given the news that their coach would be in charge of the Terrorskull Conference's All-Star team, and that the electrifying offensive duo of Mathius Ice and Arthur Jaris Green would be playing. Finally removed from Rowdy Rotty Pulper's helmet, Chad Meanway was informed that he would be going to the finals...as a Winterplague Embalmer.