Kompressor Paves Road to Conference Final With Skaven Corpses

The LCBBL playoff picture became clearer this week as the Slaaneshgrad Kompressor took on the Warprat Warriors in a match that got messy early and stayed that way all day. The Warriors had a mountain of inducement cash provided to them, and as one might expect of a team that does most of its thinking with its noses, they hired the great Halfling chef Gordon Hamsey to whip everyone's taste buds into a frenzy. The Skaven also added an enthusiastic cheerleader to dispense drinks while sporting a very fetching designer clothespin on her nose. The Warriors also got the benefit of winning the kickoff, and readied to receive first.

To start the game off, the Skaven offense got to work with its usual go-to plan of playing "catch me if you can" with a much slower defense. Thrower Skitter lobbed a pass to gutter runner Shadran and the latter made a speedy charge up the sideline. Unfortunately for him, Hades, beastman for the Kompressor, took that opportunity to ram the smaller player and send him flying end over end into the crowd. Luckily, Shadran landed softly in a rat ogre's jumbo-sized beer and he was eventually dried out and sent back to the dugout. The ball, meanwhile, was hurled into the Kompressor's end zone, presumably by a Warriors fan. The rest of the Chaos squad must have really enjoyed watching Shadran careen into the fans, because this became their preferred strategy throughout the match. The brutish Attila picked up linerat Wetpawz by the scruff of his neck and nailed a perfect fading jumpshot into the same giant cup of beer, which of course frustrated the rat ogre who kept having to pay ten gold coins for the drinks.

Eventually, the chaos players remembered that there was a ball on the field, and beastman Thanatos went back to retrieve it. The Warriors, for their part, saw that they were going to have to be physical to contend with the Kompressor. The dreadful force of their rat ogre, Ratz, was just what they needed, as the massive hunk of teeth and claws crashed into the hapless Ankou. The impact sent Ankou flying into the air, and the beastman came down hard on his head, which had landed three or four seconds before the rest of his body. Dragged away on a stretcher (and in a bucket), Ankou reappeared miraculously a few minutes later, accompanied by a terrible smell and covered in blood which couldn't possibly be his alone.

The Kompressor continued to play the beatdown strategy while they marched steadily downfield. Beastman Azrael smashed star gutter runner Krahzi Greycloak into the stands, ruining yet another giant cup of booze. The rat ogre was livid, and in his unthinking rage, hurled Greycloak over the field into the other end of the stands, where he was soundly battered by the Chaos fans. Worse still for the Skaven was the hit laid on their thrower, Skitter, by the armour-bound Attila. A massive overhand smash from the hulking Chaos warrior collapsed the Skaven's spinal column and drilled his head into his chest cavity. The bewildered rodent staggered around for a few moments longer, then simply collapsed into a motionless heap.

The parade of airborne rodents didn't stop as the terrifying Mr. Noodles hurled linerat Nibbles skyward, where he bounced off the lid of the rat ogre's beer cup. It only took three ruined drinks for him to wise up about that. The remaining rats hadn't forgotten about the ball, though, and Gyr the gutter runner managed get it away from Thanatos and pitch it to linerat Mouse. This offensive burst was short-lived as Hades got it right back for Chaos, and lobbed it in the general direction of Thanatos, and despite missing the catch, he managed to pick it up and carry it in for the last-minute score.

The kickoff for the second half was sent too deep by the Skaven, drifting out of bounds and slamming into the face of a wandering snack vendor. The impact disrupted his intended task of chucking a cantaloupe to a hungry fan, and the tasty projectile instead soared onto the field and stunned Hades in an explosion of deliciousness. The ball, meanwhile, was given to Mr. Noodles, and his trek down the field began.

Hit after crushing hit was visited upon the hapless Skaven as the half wore on. Knottail was thrown out by Ankou, but was happily alright. Less fortunate was Runt, who was soundly beaten by Subutai and was forced to leave the match. Knocked out were Wetpawz and Runt, dragged off to nap the evening away. Yet, the team played on, led by the powerful presence of Ratz, who wouldn't go quietly. His heavy blitz knocked the ball free from a stunned Mr. Noodles, but it was soon recovered by Nergal. The rats continued to battle on, but the number game caught up to them. In a final, messy act of violence, Subutai's murderous enthusiasm snuffed the life from gutter runner Shadran, crushing the smaller player in a spiky embrace of doom and juicing the lifeless rodent like a fuzzy orange. Nergal trotted leisurely into the end zone, and the score was 2-0. Rather than drag their remaining players out onto the field again, the Skaven offered the white flag of surrender to the Kompressor, who accepted, knowing that the Gods of Chaos were appeased by their brutal play.

Match MVPs were the Kompressor's Babur the Tiger, and the Warriors' Palefur. The Slaaneshgrad Kompressor move on to face the New Orcleans Taints, to settle a scoreless score from earlier in the season. One of these titans will advance to the Dungeonbowl final, and it could be anyone's game.