Taints Avenge Regular Season Loss With Strong Playoff Performance

The New Orcleans Taints put together a strong regular season record for this year's Dungeonbowl tournament, piling up four wins and a single tie, but their final game of the season saw them taking on a reborn Wood Elf squad in the former Holly-Wood All-Spars, now re-branded as the Elfchester Thyme Lords. In a last-second rush, the elves sliced through the orc defense, and scored the winning touchdown, leaving a fouler-than-usual taste in the Taints' mouths. These two teams met again in the first round of the playoffs, each looking to control the pace of the game, either with strength or with skill.

Due to the massive salary gap between the two squads, the Thyme Lords were provided with enough inducement money to bolster their medical staff, and to hire on the services of Eldril Sidewinder, which resulted in several stadium signs prohibiting flash photography in the stadium to be stolen, vandalized, or simply disregarded. Word that the master of such "looks" as Blue Mithril and Dragonum was playing greatly bolstered elf attendance on this beautiful day.

Those elves were not disappointed, for on the opening kickoff, Sidewinder went right to work, dazzling the beefy blitzer Flaydolf Critler with a provocative pout. Thrower Brad Wolfe retrieved the ball and deftly tossed it to new catcher Clay Nine, who made his way up to the relative safety of the elf line. Hulking treeman Captain Jack Barkness (Captain of what, exactly, remains a mystery) soured the flawless formation by unceremoniously falling over, leaving a fair-sized gap in the elves' plans. The Taints composed themselves and readied their defense for the inevitable fast breakout.

The breakout did come, as Clay Nine burst out from behind his fellows and made a bee line for the end zone. Eldril Sidewinder made his sparkling presence known again, this time giving orc thrower Brick Chiney some strange feelings to reconcile. The Taints collectively steeled themselves, and were led by the massive Akilla da Hunk as he literally ran over an unnamed elf journeyman who by all accounts was only playing to get a sot at Eldril Sidewinder's autograph. Hopefully he got that autograph on his cast while in traction for the next few days. The illustrious Grim Jong Kill sent himself hurtling towards the ball carrier, and bashed the ball loose from Clay Nine's hands while bashing the light of awareness from the catcher's eyes, knocking him out cold. Flaydolf Critler, recovered from his earlier loss of composure, got his hands on the ball.

Sidewinder's next attempt to dazzle an opponent was less than ideal, and the star player tripped, fell, and took a prolonged nap in a pile of his own glitter. Bad went to worse for the elves when their other journeyman player was also trod under by Akilla da Hunk, this one suffering what looked to be a dislocated lung. Depleted but not defeated, the Thyme Lords regrouped, with Wei Ping Angel crashing into Flaydolf Critler and sending the ball flying loose. Meanwhile, the orcs took advantage of Captain Jack Barkness' inability to stand up for any length of time, and a quartet of black orcs set about keeping the big fellow on his trunk. Gorechief Mangleya of the Taints' blitzer corps picked up the ball and continued the road to the end zone. Once again, though, Wei Ping Angel took it upon himself to prevent the orcs from scoring, and once more batted the ball free from the frustrated Taints. The very talented wardancer Dock Tore took the chance to make a leap at the discarded ball, but landed awkwardly and was slow to get up.

Sick and tired of Wei Ping Angel's tactics, Flaydolf Critler put an end to the line elf's pestering with a huge hammerblow to the back of the skull, an injury which would require five doctors nearly a hundred staples to correct, and a dozen hairstylists to cover up for the offseason. Gorechief Mangleya recovered the ball once again, and without too much difficulty, the Taints put the ball down in the end zone for the game's first point.

Little time remained in the first half for the Thyme Lords to do anything but run a passing drill, with Cy Lance managing a pass to Clay Nine in the dying seconds.

With the start of the second half, the orcs resumed their game of "tip the treeman" and Barkness spent most of the rest of the day on the ground. The Taints offense stalled early, though, when Brick Chiney's pass to Grimerick Grimmler missed its mark. Chiney recovered the ball soon thereafter, and this time made a pass to team leader Grim Jong Kill for another blitzer-led offensive push. The elves tried to push at the orcish protection here and there, but their depleted numbers made it a difficult prospect at best. Down to the line, Grim Jong Kill delayed his score while the rest of his team had its way with the Thyme Lords' defense. A brief flash of excitement went up when Barkness at last managed to get off the ground, but the hope died when Brick Chiney, locked in a blood haze after dodging the massive trunk legs of the Thyme Lords' treeman, ran up and kicked Eldril Sidewinder square in the crotch. The stadium was briefly awash with the sounds of fainting elves hitting the floor of the bleachers, followed by the uproarious cheers of the Taints' own fans, now in an overwhelming majority (in terms of being awake and alert).

At last, Grim Jong Kill walked the ball into the end zone, and the ensuing kickoff was once more merely a ceremonial affair. A half-hearted toss from Sontearian to Clay Nine closed the game out, And the orc fans erupted with violent joy after winning the first playoff game in LCBBL history. The Taints will advance to play the winner of the upcoming game between the Slaaneshgrad Kompressor and the Warprat Warriors.

MVPs of this match were Flaydolf Critler of the New Orcleans Taints, and Dock Tore of the Elfchester Thyme Lords.